Thursday, January 31, 2008
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
new poem (untitled thus far)
Sand dunes line her spine.
Face down, eyes shut,
grains press their pointed dark.
Warm rays reach,
but dark hides her from the sky.
She recalls how it blew through
in a bruised blue.
Her need thick, sand swirling around her,
rising up in the passion,
she burned and peeled herself down.
Raw florescent white, shivering skin to skin,
until the sand rained down,
took her breath, swallowed her whole.
She lost him. She lost him
somewhere on the surface.
He shimmers still, up in the wild wind.
Yet her palms press the earth, the hush,
curl to the cold, nursing the cold, until she stills.
Lets herself be buried.
Dreamier and dizzier she goes,
bones delightful in their chill.
She'll remember every delicious moment of
saying goodbye to the sky.
Face down, eyes shut,
grains press their pointed dark.
Warm rays reach,
but dark hides her from the sky.
She recalls how it blew through
in a bruised blue.
Her need thick, sand swirling around her,
rising up in the passion,
she burned and peeled herself down.
Raw florescent white, shivering skin to skin,
until the sand rained down,
took her breath, swallowed her whole.
She lost him. She lost him
somewhere on the surface.
He shimmers still, up in the wild wind.
Yet her palms press the earth, the hush,
curl to the cold, nursing the cold, until she stills.
Lets herself be buried.
Dreamier and dizzier she goes,
bones delightful in their chill.
She'll remember every delicious moment of
saying goodbye to the sky.
Saturday, January 26, 2008
Things that piss me off
1. Having to go back on meds.
2. Having my meds stop working.
3. Knowing I could raise the dose, but will have yuck side effects.
4. My doctor looking at me like she doesn't know what to do with me except raise the dose or put me on a new med. Going on about "trusting that I'm not in danger" and that "I know you have a lot of insight". If I truly know more than every health professional I see, THEY NEED TO GO BACK TO SCHOOL. I'm the patient. I need HELP. Help me!
5. Being scheduled for a follow up appt after said incident, even though nothing was accomplished. Sure, they'll take my $ again. And then they'll throw up their hands, have me make another appt, and send me home to do my own research.
6. The new manager at work who is apparently incapable of giving a compliment without giving criticism promply after.
7. Feeling like no matter how hard I try, doing extra work, performing better than everyone else, coming in on my day off, staying late- it's never enough. I can strive for perfection every waking moment but there will always be something to pick apart.
8. Being an alcoholic, therefore not being able to have a glass of wine to just stop this blinding rage I feel sometimes.
9. Birthday cards that mean well, but just end up making me cry, relive the past, wishing I could forgive and forget- but I just can't seem to.
10. Cramping every day lately from my IUD. I spend almost a grand on the thing and I don't want to part with it. I will probably put up with the pain because I am that determined not to reproduce. And pills make me nuts. But what the eff? Seriously. My first one came out and then I can't even enjoy the 2nd? It's getting to the point that I am almost getting a sick pleasure out of the pain.
11. Missoula. Need I say more? I guess it was for the best, but now Alex is out of work with possible nerve damage due to working so hard for so long. For what, you ask? The dream of moving to Montana. I can be all zen and accepting of it some days, but other days I seriously can't believe the crappiness of it all.
So pissed off right now.
2. Having my meds stop working.
3. Knowing I could raise the dose, but will have yuck side effects.
4. My doctor looking at me like she doesn't know what to do with me except raise the dose or put me on a new med. Going on about "trusting that I'm not in danger" and that "I know you have a lot of insight". If I truly know more than every health professional I see, THEY NEED TO GO BACK TO SCHOOL. I'm the patient. I need HELP. Help me!
5. Being scheduled for a follow up appt after said incident, even though nothing was accomplished. Sure, they'll take my $ again. And then they'll throw up their hands, have me make another appt, and send me home to do my own research.
6. The new manager at work who is apparently incapable of giving a compliment without giving criticism promply after.
7. Feeling like no matter how hard I try, doing extra work, performing better than everyone else, coming in on my day off, staying late- it's never enough. I can strive for perfection every waking moment but there will always be something to pick apart.
8. Being an alcoholic, therefore not being able to have a glass of wine to just stop this blinding rage I feel sometimes.
9. Birthday cards that mean well, but just end up making me cry, relive the past, wishing I could forgive and forget- but I just can't seem to.
10. Cramping every day lately from my IUD. I spend almost a grand on the thing and I don't want to part with it. I will probably put up with the pain because I am that determined not to reproduce. And pills make me nuts. But what the eff? Seriously. My first one came out and then I can't even enjoy the 2nd? It's getting to the point that I am almost getting a sick pleasure out of the pain.
11. Missoula. Need I say more? I guess it was for the best, but now Alex is out of work with possible nerve damage due to working so hard for so long. For what, you ask? The dream of moving to Montana. I can be all zen and accepting of it some days, but other days I seriously can't believe the crappiness of it all.
So pissed off right now.
Monday, January 14, 2008
Update
Not sure if anyone comes here anymore, but I just wanted to say formally on this blog for anyone who doesn't already know- I am back in Maine and doing O.K. We decided Montana wasn't our cup of tea, so here we are. It's been a bumpy ride, have had to go back on my meds, and have had a bit of anxiety, to say the least. I wish sometimes I could just crawl out of my head for a day and stop over analyzing everything. I also wish for some good sleep. My meds give me insomnia at first. I have fitful sleep and frequent/vivid dreams. People that don't remember their dreams and feel bothered by it, let me tell you- you aren't missing much! I would love to sleep a nice, heavy dreamless sleep.
Anyway.....I found a good job housekeeping at a really pretty inn, and I like it. It's quiet, the views are gorgeous, and there's a very limited amount of people to deal with, so the work-place drama is relatively small. No Animal Planet, sadly. They have satellite instead of cable, and get very few channels, so I have found myself watching a lot of CNN. Probably a good thing because it has been making me start to do more research and work toward a clearer picture before the election.
Guess that's all for now. I may come back soon and do some artistic touches to this place. I like it, even if it is under lock and key! ;)
Anyway.....I found a good job housekeeping at a really pretty inn, and I like it. It's quiet, the views are gorgeous, and there's a very limited amount of people to deal with, so the work-place drama is relatively small. No Animal Planet, sadly. They have satellite instead of cable, and get very few channels, so I have found myself watching a lot of CNN. Probably a good thing because it has been making me start to do more research and work toward a clearer picture before the election.
Guess that's all for now. I may come back soon and do some artistic touches to this place. I like it, even if it is under lock and key! ;)
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