"Love isn't here, love isn't here, but it's somewhere" (right?)

Thank you to everyone who is adapting to the invite only thing. I appreciate your understanding.

I've had a hard couple of days. I woke up this morning feeling like someone tried to scrape out all my insides with a blunt instrument. Gross, huh? A cup of tea helps, and I'm having lunch today with my cousin and then there's yoga tonight.

It has just really started to hit me that I am close to very few people. I've ended several relationships because I felt that the situation was unhealthy for me. My ex-buisness partner Ami is one (it was a work relationship, but it was also a friendship. She was my mentor, and we spent time together outisde of work. She came to my house and helped me fix up my yard, etc.), then there was Sihaya (most of you were privy to that situation), and now recently I have had to give up another relationship- an old, deep relationship, almost like having to sacrifice one of my own limbs. Melodramatic, you say? Maybe. But that's how it feels. I feel like I'm in mourning, and I haven't even finished mourning the other two relationships. I may have valid reasons for walking away from these people, but I do recognize that I am the common denominator here. At the very least, I obviously have been in some sort of pattern where these are the types of relationships I attract. When I look at the new friendships I have formed in the last couple years, I do think that has improved. But I still feel like I'm to blame somehow for the relationships that I've had to end.

Friendship is tricker than romance. If you're dating someone and it doesn't work out, no one faults you for walking away. But with a friendship it is expected that you stick by the person through thick and thin, no matter how destructive they are to you or themselves. It's expected that you grow together, let the other person work out their stuff, swallow your concerns for their welfare, etc. etc. It's said that if someone is a real friend, you should be able to tell them the truth. I have found this to be false. Because in the most serious cases where one truly needs to tell a friend the truth for the sake of the other person's welfare, that is the time the friend is least open to hearing the truth. So then what?

I have had some cruel words said to me by the three people above. Some of it could be described as verbal abuse. I don't want go into defensive mode, pull down all my shades and lock myself away from the world-though it is SO tempting. I don't want to throw in the towel on friendship. I want to think that now that I am healthier I will now attract healthy friendships into my life. But I don't know if I buy that philosophy or not. (what else is new?)

*sigh*

What do I want out of relati0nships? I want to be able to communicate without feeling afraid, without worrying that the other person will blow up and say words that draw blood. I realize that I have been feeling this way since I was young, worrying about my dad's temper and setting him off.

I don't mean to sound all self-pitying. I'm just having a bad couple of days. I keep repeating to myself that I haven't had a drink in 6 months and I don't want to throw it all away now.

I love this incense. Just thought I'd share.

http://www.maroma.com/products/encens-d-auroville/incense.htm

Spiritual Musings

I'm studying Buddhism again. I stopped at one time when I felt too guilty about it because of how I was raised. But it always really resonated in me ever since I was a child and lived in Japan and was first exposed to it. But I didn't think I could be a Buddhist and a Christian at the same time. This really troubled and confused me for a long time. There are places that hint in the Bible that it isn't possible. But, actually, Buddhism isn't really a religion, in the sense that Christianity is. There are no deities worshipped in Buddhism. It is more of a philosophy than a religion. Some people think that the Buddha is worshipped, and that the statues and artwork of him are idols. But really, the Buddha was just a man who shared his experiance and wisdom with us like a prophet, but not of any certain deity. And people have the replicas to remember and acknowledge his teachings, not to worship. So, therefore, I do believe that you can be both Christian and Buddhist.

I really think with the complexity of earth and all the beings on it that are made up so intricately, it's ridiculous to think that religion and spirituality would be such a black and white thing. Why would there be all this wisdom and all these experiances/perspectives of others at our disposal if we are not to make use of it all? Why would there be such universal truths, if they were all just supposed to be ignored and seen as evil for absolutely no reason other than fear? I was raised not to look outside of the 4 walls of 1 religion. But I think God is a whole lot more open-minded than that. And he wants us to be too. I don't believe for a minute that he doesn't want us to explore teachings that are meant to bring ourselves and others peace. I am done thinking of him as this judgmental, brow-beating patriarch on a throne somewhere moving us around like chess pieces on a board. So many things didn't ring true to me as a child, and they sure as hell don't ring true now.

Like sin. The whole concept of sin. If Christ really died to wash all our sins away, why do we punish and abuse ourselves, and judge and condemn others? Why do we spend our time doing this when we have an unknown amount of time to make as much out of life as we can? Well, I'm done. I'm done blaming myself, I'm done blaming others, and I'm done backtracking over things again and again, hoping to find a bit of sense in it. Some things will never make sense to me, and it's not my job to figure out why things happened the way they did, and why people acted the way they acted. I can only focus on today, on my next step, and the next word out of my mouth. I can't stay focused on the present if I am still in the past. So, I let it go. I will not feel guilty another day for who I am.

I want this in my blog. So there.

Well, it's been a crazy week. Lets see, what's happened? We got a new computer system at work, I had to take my grandmother to the emergency room (it's nothing serious, but the situation is complicated) and Alex got a terrible bout of the stomach flu, and I had to take care of him because he was so sick he was delerious. So yeah. I decided to cheer myself up by making this thread on a forum I belong to. I decided to post it here, too, since some people who view my blog aren't members there.

Since so many of us suffer from anxiety and stress, I thought this might be a good place for us to share ideas on how we manage it. It might become a helpful/comforting place for us to refer to if we are going through a rough patch. At least I hope it will. I just know that I personally have been exploring some alternative healing remedies, and I've been wanting to share. So here it goes!

1. I think the most helpful thing I have discovered is aromatherapy. I was hooked on using a tealight burner to diffuse the oils, but have recently discovered that steam inhalation gives even more relief. Plus, it has the additional benefit of soothing my sinuses, which also give me trouble.Anyway, so here are a few links about that. They start out by concentrating on the steam inhalation, then I just added some general aromatherapy links. Those are especially helpful if you are unfamiliar with essential oils.

http://www.aromaweb.com/articles/uses.asp

http://www.essentialoils.co.za/steam-inhalation.htm

http://www.aworldofaromatherapy.com/essential-oils-air.htm

http://www.essentialoils.co.za/why.htm#aromatherapy

http://www.aromaweb.com/

2. Secondly, I would strongly advocate yoga. It has helped me SO much. If you can't find or afford a class in your area, there are lots of videos available, both online, at book stores and in fitness sections of department stores. I like the Gaiam brand. I just borrowed a beginner video from my yoga center because the one I bought was too hard for me! So, it's important to get a beginner video if you're just starting out. Otherwise you'll hurt yourself! A link-http://www.gaiam.com/retail/3/YogaforBeginners

3. Herbal tea! I can't say it enough. I don't know what I'd do without my teas. I love Traditional Medicinals, esp their Nighty Night, Easy Now & Echinacea Plus teas. Here's a link-

http://www.traditionalmedicinals.com/

http://www.traditionalmedicinals.com/?title=free+samples/

Sometimes when I am particularly stressed, I will add some Kava Kava tincture (you can find it at health food stores or online), but I do it very rarely now because there has been evidence that it can cause liver damage. That's why I reserve it only for occasional use. Do your own research and homework on this one. Just because something is natural doesn't mean it's safe for you. It's also important to read about any drug interactions before trying any herbal product.

4. Bach Flower Essences/Remedies. I've been experimenting with these a little. I don't know yet whether I would recommend them. I'm still in the beginning stages of studying this. But it's certainly something fascinating and potentially helpful that is worth looking into. Here's a link for info on that.

http://www.bachcentre.com/centre/remedies.htm

I could get excited, but...

Got this e-mail today:

We are forwarding your inquiry concerning photos for publication to the appropriate department for handling.

If you should need further assistance, please be sure to include all previous e-mail correspondence.

Thank you for subscribing to Bird Talk Magazine.

I've never done this before so I have no idea what this means. They didn't say whether to expect another e-mail, so I'm not counting on it. I want to hope, but I did a lot of hoping in 2006 and I'm a little gun shy.

But it would be good to get a second e-mail. I would rather get a letter of rejection than hear nothing at all.

God, I'm such an optimist. LOL

Edit- I guess I should look into copywriting these images. I'm doing some reading on it now. I'm such a blockhead for not looking into this before. Oh well.