update- in list form

1. The new job starts in a couple weeks. Nervous, nervous, nervous. Waves of anxiety have come and gone, and seem to be building as the time gets closer. I had a bit of a panic attack the other night, having trouble breathing and stuff. I just wish I could close my eyes and be there and adjusted. I hate starting a new job. It's like the first day in a new school or something.

2. I'm sadder about leaving some of my clients then I thought. They've been so sweet and supportive. One woman told me I was the best thing that had happened to them, another told me I was unreplaceable. Part of me felt so moved, but another part of me felt guilty, as I often do when I receive a compliment.

3. I've started BuSpar. It's just short term (hopefully) for my anxiety. It's non habit forming, and has the additional benefit of possible augmenting anti-depressants. Since I had to half my dose of the Celexa, this would be ideal. I'm hoping just to be on the meds until we get settled in Montana.

4. Haven't had a drink in over 9 months.

5. I'm looking into getting an IUD. I'm tired of hormonal pills. I have to endure a horrific week or two of depression every single month when I start my new pack of pills and I simply can't endure it any longer. Plus, I've been on them over eight years and I don't think it's really good to be on them so long. They also make me break out (at the same time I'm going nuts- great fun.). I've tried so many kinds and they all eventually end up having the same side effects. I'm just done. An IUD is expensive (though it saves loads of money in the longterm since you aren't shelling out for pills every month) and the procedure can be pretty painful, but it's up to 10 years of extremely effective (almost as effective as sterilization) reversable birth control. And I'll be free of the fake hormones and have my normal cycle back. I especially think that, since I've added another med, this is a good idea. Three meds is too much. So we'll see what happens. I'm in the process of making the arrangements, but it may be a couple months before it actually happens.

And that's about it. Time to go watch mindless TV now and finish my tea. :)

Hmm...interesting

Just took this quiz that is supposed to tell you what religion most suits you.

http://www.beliefnet.com/story/76/story_7665_1.html

Turns out I ranked highest in reform Judaism and Liberal Quakerism. lol

staying on the ride

Well, I have a job at a nearby restaurant and am due to start mid May. I gave my notice today at work, and felt a surge of relief that the date I will be exiting this job and moving to another is now determined and decided on paper, and thus I don't have to be agonizing over these particular variables any longer. That part is done. I'm feeling a little better. I always feel less anxious when things become more linear. Change doesn't scare me, but transitions do, if that makes any sense. I'm an impatient control freak. I want change, but I want to go quickly from point A to point B. I don't like that squirmy, anxious feeling of being in between.

As for the whole (rather narcissistic) angst about the future, my purpose, a career, kids, etc. etc- I'm only 28! Lots of people at my age don't have this kind of stuff figured out yet. Right? I don't know why I put so much pressure on myself to live up to this ideal I have in my head of what a human being should be. Who says that in order to be successful as a person you either have to have a great career or be a parent? Who made these laws and why am I holding myself to them? And yes, I do have trouble being around people, but I truly feel that this isn't anything to feel shame over- social anxiety is a real thing, and at least I have a few deep relationships and have continued to hold a job. These are not things that people with my issues are always able to accomplish. There have been times I have honestly considered going on disability because my depression/anxiety has gotten so bad. But I kept fighting. And I'm going to keep fighting. I'm not a failure just because I have doubts and fears and some things come harder to me than they do the average person. And I don't have to have my life planned to the letter.

Anyway, so I guess I won't be flinging myself off any cliffs anytime soon. ;) I'm starting to feel a little excited again. It's just.....some days I'm more scared than excited, and that's O.K.

Not the prettiest side of me, I know.

And out of nowhere, a nasty bout of depression strikes. I've felt so crappy the last couple of days. I just don't know what the hell I'm doing. Sure, we have plans, but like, WTF am I doing? As in ME. I am getting done with grooming, which I know is the best choice for me physically, but I have no idea what I'll be doing when we move to Montana. Getting a job isn't the problem. But I'm about to end what I thought was my career. Do I try to find a new one? Do I have any skills that could even make $? I'm a medicore artist and photographer. Not too marketable. It wouldn't be such a big deal if I planned to have children someday. I could just say to myself: I'll work a kennel job or something until Alex gets through school and we're in a finanical position for me to be a stay at home mom. Which is what I would want to be if I had kids. For awhile I was really leaning toward that. It made me feel like I had some noble plan for myself, some reason for being here. But now I'm not so sure. I'm starting to go back to feeling that the thought of kids makes me sick. So what am I doing? Why am I here?

I know about taking it one day at a time, moment by moment, blah, blah, blah. I should find joy in everything I do, in any job I take, in every connection I make. I should find joy just in the fact that I am alive and healthy. But I had really hoped my life had a purpose. Why am I here if I have no career and choose not be a parent? Just to be a wife and pay some of the bills? To think deep thoughts but never have the balls to go outside? Is that why I'm here? For the most part I do not enjoy being around people, don't have many friends or close bonds, so it's not like I'm even enriching anyone else's life. I'm just taking up space.

Seriously. I just don't know sometimes.