My friend brought in some issues of The New Yorker, and in a 2006 edition I found and immediantly fell in love with this poem by Margaret Atwood. I don't care how scary this woman is. I ♥ her.
Secrecy
Secrecy flows through you,
a different kind of blood.
It's as if you've eaten it
like a bad candy,
taken it into your mouth,
let it melt sweetly on your tongue,
then allowed it to slide down your throat
like the reverse of uttering,
a word dissolved
into it's glottals and sibilants,
a slow intake of breath--
And now it's in you, secrecy.
Ancient and vicious, luscious
a dark velvet.
It blooms in you,
a poppy made of ink.
You can think of nothing else.
Once you have it, you want more.
What power it gives you!
Power of knowing without being known,
power of the stone door,
power of the iron veil,
power of the crushed fingers,
power of the drowned bones
crying out from the bottom of the well.
Friday, March 30, 2007
Monday, March 26, 2007
First real rant of this blog- are ya ready?
O.K, I'm starting to think I might get done with grooming sooner. I went to change my outgoing message on my work voice mail, and found a message even though all my messages were supposed to be written down instead of put through to voicemail . (LOOOONG story, but basically I learned the hard way that our voicemail system erases messages after 7 days, unless you pay more, which of course my boss was unwilling to do.) But anyway, obviously this one person slipped through the cracks and ended up in my mailbox. She has a very large dog that is 3 years old, never been groomed, matted, and when the dog was boarding few weeks ago I told her it would cost more than the 50$ she could afford to spend on grooming, so she told me not to do it. But now she's left a message for me to get when I got back from vacation wanting to know exactly WHY it was so much because her friend had 2 dogs that I'd done a couple of times and were also matted but I charged them less. She and HER FRIEND both want to know my reasoning behind charging this woman more. OMG. Can you believe the audacity?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?
I'm not sure I am even going to dignify this woman with an response, but if I were going to give her one it would be-
1. To begin with, your dog is a completely different breed! Pricing is not only about matting, it's about breed, size, weight, and texture of hair. In addition, a dog that is over a year old and has never been groomed is almost always harder to groom than a dog that has been groomed because you have to spend the extra time getting him used to the experience. Time is money, lady.
2. I'm fairly sure my prices have gone up since the last time I did your friends dogs.
3. I can charge any damn amount I want for my services. I get 50% of what I make BEFORE taxes. I'm not a charity. I rarely reduce my prices for my most loyal, kindest clients, let alone for some annoying, petulant bitch I have never dealt with who is not only trying to haggle me about the price, but is also bringing her friend, another client, into the situation. I mean, how rude & obnoxious can you be?
Do people actually, truly think that this sort of behavior will make someone change their price? It's positively mind boggling. It's times like this that my ego & that defiant Aquarius side of me takes over, and I'm working on that, but really- I'm insulted.
Obviously I will still have to deal with people in a restaurant, but at least the price is always the same on the menu, and if they have a problem, you hand them over to the manager. And I'll only be there for the summer, maybe sooner. I don't know. I'm just completely disgusted, and I'm not even back at work yet.
I'm not sure I am even going to dignify this woman with an response, but if I were going to give her one it would be-
1. To begin with, your dog is a completely different breed! Pricing is not only about matting, it's about breed, size, weight, and texture of hair. In addition, a dog that is over a year old and has never been groomed is almost always harder to groom than a dog that has been groomed because you have to spend the extra time getting him used to the experience. Time is money, lady.
2. I'm fairly sure my prices have gone up since the last time I did your friends dogs.
3. I can charge any damn amount I want for my services. I get 50% of what I make BEFORE taxes. I'm not a charity. I rarely reduce my prices for my most loyal, kindest clients, let alone for some annoying, petulant bitch I have never dealt with who is not only trying to haggle me about the price, but is also bringing her friend, another client, into the situation. I mean, how rude & obnoxious can you be?
Do people actually, truly think that this sort of behavior will make someone change their price? It's positively mind boggling. It's times like this that my ego & that defiant Aquarius side of me takes over, and I'm working on that, but really- I'm insulted.
Obviously I will still have to deal with people in a restaurant, but at least the price is always the same on the menu, and if they have a problem, you hand them over to the manager. And I'll only be there for the summer, maybe sooner. I don't know. I'm just completely disgusted, and I'm not even back at work yet.
Work, Montana- update
So, things are going to be changing fast pretty soon and a part of me is really excited, but another part of me is petrified. I'll let you in on what's happening.
I've decided to get done at the vet for a variety of reasons.
1. The politics there have become unbearable. I feel that the animals well-being is not first priority in the boarding department and I can't continue to work at a place where that is the case. There is also the situation with the managers sister who runs boarding (poorly) and the fact that everyone has to tiptoe around her and coddle her because no matter how often she screws up or how many time staff members go to the manager or even the owner to express concerns, nothing changes. I understand that she is perhaps a little mentally slow and extremely sensitive and defensive, but the allowances made for her are given to absolutely nobody else, and it's just wrong. Now since all constructive means of remedying the situation have failed, people have resorted to complaining amongst themselves and talking behind this girls back. The negative energy just keeps building and building. It's gotten to the point that it feels like a dark cloud hangs over the place. I'm not saying I have never joined in the gossip, I'm only human, after all, but I have strong moral issue with talking behind someones back, and it accomplishes nothing. I'm not one for spinning my wheels, and if nothing is going to change, I rather move on. It's just not healthy.
2. I can't abide another summer grooming in that little windowless room with no air conditioning. When it gets up into the 80's and 90's here, which is does, the room becomes unbearable with having to blow-dry dogs and such. The owner has made it clear that he does not intend to get air conditioning anytime soon, so I really don't have an alternative. Last summer I had to continually sponge my face and neck with a cold rag and keep ice packs in my pockets to keep from passing out. The owner is aware of this and has down absolutely nothing. I can't deal with another summer like that.
3. Physically, grooming is killing my body. I have twinges of tendinitis that come and go in my hands, my shoulders are screwed up, and I suspect I may have a pinched nerve someplace that effects my neck and lower back. This is too high a price to pay. I am only 28. I'm not going to ruin my body for a job. Period. Most groomers have to get done because of physical problems, and I guess I am no exception. It's a physically taxing job.
4. Our plan to move to Montana is back on the table and we are tentatively planning to leave in October. We need to make as much money as we can this summer, and unfortunately, this means that I will have to waitress. That's my only option right now, and at first I fought it tooth and nail because I vowed long ago I would never go back to waiting tables. But once I finally accepted that I would do it for the summer, I felt better about the idea. It will be good to get out of the toxic environment I am in, and into a new, fresh place. I'm sure it'll be a whole new set of issues and headaches- I'm not naive. But I'm ready for a change, and I'm ready to get the hell out of this state. Nothing has ever sounded so appealing as to go somewhere I have never been where I don't know a soul and start completely fresh. It's downright scary, too, of course, and I'm sure it'll be lonely at first, but there are more jobs there, housing is cheaper, and they don't tax the living daylights out of you. (Maine is the highest taxed state in the nation, if you didn't know.) There is also a great school there that offers Alex what he needs, and perhaps someday down the road, classes for me, too.
So, that's the plan. Right now I am trying to figure out when to give my notice. I am going to have to do it soon for my clients sake, but I'm not sure when I want to leave. Right now I am thinking June 1st. May is still slow for grooming and I'll be able to spend that month finding a waitressing spot. I already have my eye on a place because Alex knows the owners and it would be an easier transition. But we'll see. Just keep your fingers crossed that things work out this time for Montana, because I'm so ready, and I've found myself setting my hopes on it, which I have tried hard to keep myself from doing. But I am still trying to keep my head, and to remind myself that plans fail, things change, and to roll with the punches.
Other than that, I had a good vacation in Florida and am glad to be home. I'm trying to psyche myself up to go to yoga tonight. I haven't been in awhile and I really need to get back to it. My cousin Nicole is away for a couple of months in Florida, and we used to go together, so I have to actually be responsible and get myself there without having someone depend on me like before. I need to have some willpower!!!!!! I know I have it, as I have not had a drop of alcohol in almost 8 months, and am doing well with transitioning to vegetarianism. But I am such a sloth sometimes.
Anyway, I guess that's all. I'm off to make a cup of tea and read. :)
I've decided to get done at the vet for a variety of reasons.
1. The politics there have become unbearable. I feel that the animals well-being is not first priority in the boarding department and I can't continue to work at a place where that is the case. There is also the situation with the managers sister who runs boarding (poorly) and the fact that everyone has to tiptoe around her and coddle her because no matter how often she screws up or how many time staff members go to the manager or even the owner to express concerns, nothing changes. I understand that she is perhaps a little mentally slow and extremely sensitive and defensive, but the allowances made for her are given to absolutely nobody else, and it's just wrong. Now since all constructive means of remedying the situation have failed, people have resorted to complaining amongst themselves and talking behind this girls back. The negative energy just keeps building and building. It's gotten to the point that it feels like a dark cloud hangs over the place. I'm not saying I have never joined in the gossip, I'm only human, after all, but I have strong moral issue with talking behind someones back, and it accomplishes nothing. I'm not one for spinning my wheels, and if nothing is going to change, I rather move on. It's just not healthy.
2. I can't abide another summer grooming in that little windowless room with no air conditioning. When it gets up into the 80's and 90's here, which is does, the room becomes unbearable with having to blow-dry dogs and such. The owner has made it clear that he does not intend to get air conditioning anytime soon, so I really don't have an alternative. Last summer I had to continually sponge my face and neck with a cold rag and keep ice packs in my pockets to keep from passing out. The owner is aware of this and has down absolutely nothing. I can't deal with another summer like that.
3. Physically, grooming is killing my body. I have twinges of tendinitis that come and go in my hands, my shoulders are screwed up, and I suspect I may have a pinched nerve someplace that effects my neck and lower back. This is too high a price to pay. I am only 28. I'm not going to ruin my body for a job. Period. Most groomers have to get done because of physical problems, and I guess I am no exception. It's a physically taxing job.
4. Our plan to move to Montana is back on the table and we are tentatively planning to leave in October. We need to make as much money as we can this summer, and unfortunately, this means that I will have to waitress. That's my only option right now, and at first I fought it tooth and nail because I vowed long ago I would never go back to waiting tables. But once I finally accepted that I would do it for the summer, I felt better about the idea. It will be good to get out of the toxic environment I am in, and into a new, fresh place. I'm sure it'll be a whole new set of issues and headaches- I'm not naive. But I'm ready for a change, and I'm ready to get the hell out of this state. Nothing has ever sounded so appealing as to go somewhere I have never been where I don't know a soul and start completely fresh. It's downright scary, too, of course, and I'm sure it'll be lonely at first, but there are more jobs there, housing is cheaper, and they don't tax the living daylights out of you. (Maine is the highest taxed state in the nation, if you didn't know.) There is also a great school there that offers Alex what he needs, and perhaps someday down the road, classes for me, too.
So, that's the plan. Right now I am trying to figure out when to give my notice. I am going to have to do it soon for my clients sake, but I'm not sure when I want to leave. Right now I am thinking June 1st. May is still slow for grooming and I'll be able to spend that month finding a waitressing spot. I already have my eye on a place because Alex knows the owners and it would be an easier transition. But we'll see. Just keep your fingers crossed that things work out this time for Montana, because I'm so ready, and I've found myself setting my hopes on it, which I have tried hard to keep myself from doing. But I am still trying to keep my head, and to remind myself that plans fail, things change, and to roll with the punches.
Other than that, I had a good vacation in Florida and am glad to be home. I'm trying to psyche myself up to go to yoga tonight. I haven't been in awhile and I really need to get back to it. My cousin Nicole is away for a couple of months in Florida, and we used to go together, so I have to actually be responsible and get myself there without having someone depend on me like before. I need to have some willpower!!!!!! I know I have it, as I have not had a drop of alcohol in almost 8 months, and am doing well with transitioning to vegetarianism. But I am such a sloth sometimes.
Anyway, I guess that's all. I'm off to make a cup of tea and read. :)
Monday, March 05, 2007
pre-travel ramblings
So, apparently 1.0 GB doesn't go very far. Gahhh! Having a hell of a time trying to decide what to put on the player.
Starting to have some twinges of anxiety. I hate how I always get like that before I go away. It's just a bit heavy sometimes hanging out with your family. I'm not used to the religious stuff anymore, so that can be weird. I told my mom that I was working toward becoming vegetarian and she wanted to know why, but of course I couldn't tell her the real reason. At least all of the truth. Like I'm trying to practice Buddhist principles of diet. The whole "don't take the life of anything living" thing. I'm still eating fish and poultry, though. Like most things in my life, I'm doing this in steps.
Anway, yeah, plus I hate being trapped on a plane with all these strangers in close proximity. And the INTRUSIVE security at the Bangor airport. The Orlando airport is so much better because it's bigger and the technology is better, and there is hardly any manual searching. God I hate it so much. I actually have to evaluate my choice of clothing and what shoes I'm wearing to make sure I don't get searched. But they always seem to single me out. I don't know if the huge amazon women security guards get a kick out of bullying smaller people, but it's how it makes me feel. Not a great feeling to start off w/ as you're getting ready to visit your family.
*sigh* I'm excited. I am. I don't know why I do this to myself.
Starting to have some twinges of anxiety. I hate how I always get like that before I go away. It's just a bit heavy sometimes hanging out with your family. I'm not used to the religious stuff anymore, so that can be weird. I told my mom that I was working toward becoming vegetarian and she wanted to know why, but of course I couldn't tell her the real reason. At least all of the truth. Like I'm trying to practice Buddhist principles of diet. The whole "don't take the life of anything living" thing. I'm still eating fish and poultry, though. Like most things in my life, I'm doing this in steps.
Anway, yeah, plus I hate being trapped on a plane with all these strangers in close proximity. And the INTRUSIVE security at the Bangor airport. The Orlando airport is so much better because it's bigger and the technology is better, and there is hardly any manual searching. God I hate it so much. I actually have to evaluate my choice of clothing and what shoes I'm wearing to make sure I don't get searched. But they always seem to single me out. I don't know if the huge amazon women security guards get a kick out of bullying smaller people, but it's how it makes me feel. Not a great feeling to start off w/ as you're getting ready to visit your family.
*sigh* I'm excited. I am. I don't know why I do this to myself.
Thursday, March 01, 2007
I have a MP3 player- AT LAST!
O.K, so it's probably only a big deal to me because everyone has them now, and having a diskman is practically unheard of. But I could never afford one until now. I used my birthday money to get it and I am so excited to have it for my trip to Florida. I leave next Thursday and will be there for 2 weeks! Yayness! Anyway, I just had to post a picture of it. Just cuz it's so pretty!
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