just a little update

Alex had his surgery. It was INTENSE, but he did great. The doctor said he should heal quickly, so that's a relief.

I talked to my grandmother. She called and we had a brief chat. She didn't seem upset, but she sounded a little strange. Anyway, I explained to her what's been going on with me- the touch of flu I had after getting back from FL, work, Alex's surgery, so hopefully she forgives me for not calling her. I feel better, and am glad I picked up the phone.

The weather here sucks. It's been snowing, raining and now just overcast. The sun is supposed to come out tomorrow and I can't wait. I don't do well with lack of sunlight. It's one of the things I dislike about this state the most. Ah well. I will be so glad when the leaves start coming out on the trees and I can get out to work in my yard. I got a book for my brithday about attracting birds to your yard with plants, feeders, birdhouses, etc. I already have several feeders up and am thrilled with the results. So far I have had woodpeckers, chickadees, blue jays, various blackbirds, nuthatches and dark-eyed junco's visit. Alex says that once his arm heals he will build me a birdhouse. I know nothing about carpentry, and get so impatient, I would likely build something that fell completely apart if I attempted it myself. Anyway, I can hardly wait until warmer weather comes and I have more bird visitors. It's a good outlet for me.

Anyway, guess I'm done rambling now.

The moon is in my sign- can I blame that?

My grandmothers mind is very bad. It's difficult to talk to her right now. I feel ill-equipped because I've never experienced anything like this before. In the best of circumstances, I am afraid of the phone, but I can't help but avoid talking to her when she leaves me messages where she's either crying and saying she needs me or saying she doesn't expect anything of me. When my mother reminded her that I worked during the day and couldn't always return calls right away, she snapped back that she would "never call Sabrina again". When my mom reminded her how I've helped her in the past, rushed to the emergency room to be at her side, etc, she conceded that I was a "dear person." It's all very troubling, disturbing, heartbreaking, frightening. Now I'm even more afraid to call her. I don't know what to do.

I haven't had a craving for a drink since the slip-up, but tonight I feel so much, I wish not to feel at all. I could kick myself for not calling my grandmother more. What's the matter with me? To add to all this, my mother has finally sought help for her anxiety/OCD issues, but I'm not sure I agree with the cocktail of meds her psychiatrist is giving her. He also doesn't seem to think her problems are anything but a chemical imbalance, and I strongly disagree with this. I thought she would be given a regular anti-depressant and get some good therapy (she has great insurance, after all), but it seems that counseling has taken a back seat to the meds, and perhaps has been removed from the equation all together. She seems really pleased with her treatment and the doctor, but she is also fairly naive about meds and mental illness. I know all I can do is advise her the best I can, but I feel responsible because I was the one that urged her to seek help. *sigh*

I am also fairly nervous right now because Alex's surgery is tomorrow. I've never sat in a waiting room while my loved one was being cut open, and it's unsettling.

I should call someone right now. I should reach out for support. I should, but I know I probably won't. I have a hard time expressing myself verbally when I'm upset, and I just feel awkward. Everyone has their own problems, and also, I don't want to upset anyone with my disturbing ramblings. I feel sort of safe expressing it here because not too many people come here anymore since the whole reader only thing, and those that do really choose to come. I have no idea where this is going. I'll be OK. I'm just having a difficult evening.

Sobriety struggles

So.....I had abstained from alcohol for almost a year and a half, when recently, during my visit to FL, I relapsed for a day. I have been popping klonopin like candy since then. (I get occasional scrips for them. My doc is sub-ing them for the valium since valium produces euphoria.). At this point, I am not sure I am willing to give up benzo's. But I feel I will never be completely sober until I do. Believe me, I've tried all the healthy stuff- yoga, essential oils, tea, bath, books, Prayer, walking.... It was a bit crazy when I relapsed because I had a partial blackout but no puking or anything else too out of control occurred, thankfully. It felt SO comforting- my limbs completely weightless, floating on the surface of a sea. The nerve endings quiet finally. The world was a blur all around me and I felt protected by the haze and the numbness. Always, though, it only calms the surface of the sea. Down beneath it's still black and twisted with anxiety, swirling with thoughts, fears, emotions, ruminations- tangled seaweed. My soul all murky with the chaos of being human.

I don't know where the path to sobriety is going. I feel like I'm sitting in a bramble patch covered with juice, thorns and scratches, and all I want to do is lick my wounds. All I want is a respite from being so over-sensitive. If it's cowardly to say I just want some relief from this terrible burning skin, this brain that runs me until I'm on my bloody knees, pleading "please, please, please", then I guess I am a coward.

I'm pretty sure my doc won't refill the klonopin via phone, which involves a dr appt and $. And I'll also have to be a bit tricky with my wording to get the refill in the first place. I don't want to drink again. But it would be so EASY to do it now since I already threw away almost 2 years of work. I'm so confused. I hate this.

Work, palm trees

The work situation is this- my housekeeping job right now is going well. It's a relief not to take stress home or wake up feeling sick in the morning before work. This job is practically stress free. I deal with only a few people a day. For only a second at a time usually. It's a nice break. I feel safe. The problem is, it's not challenging or meaningful. Even though I don't have a huge supply of self-confidence, I do think that I am capable of more than this.

There may be a job opening up soon at the spca. I was told to keep in touch with them (they already have my resume), and I sent them off an e-mail the other day to see where they were at as far as the job opening. So we'll see. I don't know if it'll pay enough or if I'll be able to work out a schedule that works with my other job, but I'm going to give it a shot. I really miss working with animals. We'll see what happens.

My trip to Fl is fast approaching. I'll be there the 15th-22nd. I'm excited, but I also know it's going to be rather hectic, with the full house of people and my parents vow renewal and all. Plus there are certain family issues that trouble me, but I'm trying not to take it on my shoulders too much. It's easy to do that, but I know that I can't control everything. *sigh*

Anyway, I am looking forward to laying out in the sun. A lot.

Another trip to the greenhouse...

Well, I decided to be really adventurous and get another plant. This one is called Culumnea Aladdin's Lamp. Cool, huh?

Have I mentioned going to a greenhouse in the winter time really is a huge pick-me-up? I love it.

Workplace photos

I took some photos of the scenery before I left work the other day because it was such a pretty day. This is what I get to look out the window and see every day. It's pretty sweet.

In other news...

I have my ticket to Florida. It's in the middle of March and I'll be there for a week. My parents are renewing their vows, so that will be nice. Hopefully not too stressful. Most importantly, I get to see my brothers. This means more to me than words can say.