just a little update

Alex had his surgery. It was INTENSE, but he did great. The doctor said he should heal quickly, so that's a relief.

I talked to my grandmother. She called and we had a brief chat. She didn't seem upset, but she sounded a little strange. Anyway, I explained to her what's been going on with me- the touch of flu I had after getting back from FL, work, Alex's surgery, so hopefully she forgives me for not calling her. I feel better, and am glad I picked up the phone.

The weather here sucks. It's been snowing, raining and now just overcast. The sun is supposed to come out tomorrow and I can't wait. I don't do well with lack of sunlight. It's one of the things I dislike about this state the most. Ah well. I will be so glad when the leaves start coming out on the trees and I can get out to work in my yard. I got a book for my brithday about attracting birds to your yard with plants, feeders, birdhouses, etc. I already have several feeders up and am thrilled with the results. So far I have had woodpeckers, chickadees, blue jays, various blackbirds, nuthatches and dark-eyed junco's visit. Alex says that once his arm heals he will build me a birdhouse. I know nothing about carpentry, and get so impatient, I would likely build something that fell completely apart if I attempted it myself. Anyway, I can hardly wait until warmer weather comes and I have more bird visitors. It's a good outlet for me.

Anyway, guess I'm done rambling now.

The moon is in my sign- can I blame that?

My grandmothers mind is very bad. It's difficult to talk to her right now. I feel ill-equipped because I've never experienced anything like this before. In the best of circumstances, I am afraid of the phone, but I can't help but avoid talking to her when she leaves me messages where she's either crying and saying she needs me or saying she doesn't expect anything of me. When my mother reminded her that I worked during the day and couldn't always return calls right away, she snapped back that she would "never call Sabrina again". When my mom reminded her how I've helped her in the past, rushed to the emergency room to be at her side, etc, she conceded that I was a "dear person." It's all very troubling, disturbing, heartbreaking, frightening. Now I'm even more afraid to call her. I don't know what to do.

I haven't had a craving for a drink since the slip-up, but tonight I feel so much, I wish not to feel at all. I could kick myself for not calling my grandmother more. What's the matter with me? To add to all this, my mother has finally sought help for her anxiety/OCD issues, but I'm not sure I agree with the cocktail of meds her psychiatrist is giving her. He also doesn't seem to think her problems are anything but a chemical imbalance, and I strongly disagree with this. I thought she would be given a regular anti-depressant and get some good therapy (she has great insurance, after all), but it seems that counseling has taken a back seat to the meds, and perhaps has been removed from the equation all together. She seems really pleased with her treatment and the doctor, but she is also fairly naive about meds and mental illness. I know all I can do is advise her the best I can, but I feel responsible because I was the one that urged her to seek help. *sigh*

I am also fairly nervous right now because Alex's surgery is tomorrow. I've never sat in a waiting room while my loved one was being cut open, and it's unsettling.

I should call someone right now. I should reach out for support. I should, but I know I probably won't. I have a hard time expressing myself verbally when I'm upset, and I just feel awkward. Everyone has their own problems, and also, I don't want to upset anyone with my disturbing ramblings. I feel sort of safe expressing it here because not too many people come here anymore since the whole reader only thing, and those that do really choose to come. I have no idea where this is going. I'll be OK. I'm just having a difficult evening.

Sobriety struggles

So.....I had abstained from alcohol for almost a year and a half, when recently, during my visit to FL, I relapsed for a day. I have been popping klonopin like candy since then. (I get occasional scrips for them. My doc is sub-ing them for the valium since valium produces euphoria.). At this point, I am not sure I am willing to give up benzo's. But I feel I will never be completely sober until I do. Believe me, I've tried all the healthy stuff- yoga, essential oils, tea, bath, books, Prayer, walking.... It was a bit crazy when I relapsed because I had a partial blackout but no puking or anything else too out of control occurred, thankfully. It felt SO comforting- my limbs completely weightless, floating on the surface of a sea. The nerve endings quiet finally. The world was a blur all around me and I felt protected by the haze and the numbness. Always, though, it only calms the surface of the sea. Down beneath it's still black and twisted with anxiety, swirling with thoughts, fears, emotions, ruminations- tangled seaweed. My soul all murky with the chaos of being human.

I don't know where the path to sobriety is going. I feel like I'm sitting in a bramble patch covered with juice, thorns and scratches, and all I want to do is lick my wounds. All I want is a respite from being so over-sensitive. If it's cowardly to say I just want some relief from this terrible burning skin, this brain that runs me until I'm on my bloody knees, pleading "please, please, please", then I guess I am a coward.

I'm pretty sure my doc won't refill the klonopin via phone, which involves a dr appt and $. And I'll also have to be a bit tricky with my wording to get the refill in the first place. I don't want to drink again. But it would be so EASY to do it now since I already threw away almost 2 years of work. I'm so confused. I hate this.

Work, palm trees

The work situation is this- my housekeeping job right now is going well. It's a relief not to take stress home or wake up feeling sick in the morning before work. This job is practically stress free. I deal with only a few people a day. For only a second at a time usually. It's a nice break. I feel safe. The problem is, it's not challenging or meaningful. Even though I don't have a huge supply of self-confidence, I do think that I am capable of more than this.

There may be a job opening up soon at the spca. I was told to keep in touch with them (they already have my resume), and I sent them off an e-mail the other day to see where they were at as far as the job opening. So we'll see. I don't know if it'll pay enough or if I'll be able to work out a schedule that works with my other job, but I'm going to give it a shot. I really miss working with animals. We'll see what happens.

My trip to Fl is fast approaching. I'll be there the 15th-22nd. I'm excited, but I also know it's going to be rather hectic, with the full house of people and my parents vow renewal and all. Plus there are certain family issues that trouble me, but I'm trying not to take it on my shoulders too much. It's easy to do that, but I know that I can't control everything. *sigh*

Anyway, I am looking forward to laying out in the sun. A lot.

Another trip to the greenhouse...

Well, I decided to be really adventurous and get another plant. This one is called Culumnea Aladdin's Lamp. Cool, huh?

Have I mentioned going to a greenhouse in the winter time really is a huge pick-me-up? I love it.

Workplace photos

I took some photos of the scenery before I left work the other day because it was such a pretty day. This is what I get to look out the window and see every day. It's pretty sweet.

In other news...

I have my ticket to Florida. It's in the middle of March and I'll be there for a week. My parents are renewing their vows, so that will be nice. Hopefully not too stressful. Most importantly, I get to see my brothers. This means more to me than words can say.

You tell ME what the subject of this is

Well, I guess I'll do an update. Not too much is happening. My job isn't particularly challenging or meaningful, but it is fairly stress free, which I admit, after the Montana experience, I really need. I just feel bruised inside and anti-social. But a part of me has really wanted to connect with my friends. After all, I did think I wasn't going to see these people again. I should take advantage of the way it turned out. I only really have 2 now. Cory moved away and I haven't been able to get in touch with her. I hope she's OK wherever she is. The other 2 girls are both mothers and the parenting thing is really intense for me to be around. There seems to be a fair amount of stress and anxiety that go with parenthood and I don't know how to talk to people going through that because I don't understand it. Nor do I want to, honestly.

So many girls are getting pregnant around me who are my age or, more often, younger than I am. It's pretty surreal actually. A girl at work told us she was pregnant yesterday and I almost fell out of my chair. Then she was talking about quitting smoking for the pregnancy, and the other girls that have had babies were telling her how they smoked when they were pregnant and "their kids turned out fine". I was a bit horrified by this. I can't believe these people weren't willing to give up smoking for 9 months. It's carbon monoxide, people. Your kids might seem O.K, but do you you really know for sure? With the rise in mental health illnesses and autism why are you willing to chance it? I don't understand the completely carefree way women these days plunge into parenthood.

I get so tired of the kids question. Why is so hard to believe I choose to be child free and will likely continue? I am deadly serious about the responsibility, and I'm not going to fly by the seat of my pants about it. I can't do it. But I still have to watch other people who do and it sucks. A part of me feels such a freedom, though.

I have no idea where I'm going with this except to say that my life lately has been mostly this. Nothing too dramatic, just the usually mundane annoyances. I am just glad that the worst of it is behind me. I'm not sure what stage I am in of breaking away from the shock of the whole ordeal (i.e the move and stuff after), but I'll keep you posted.

Coffee (Fair Trade and Bird Friendly)

I love coffee. When the subject of it came up recently in toriforum, I could have posted all of this, but thought it would be too geeky. This is my personal blog, though. I can be as geeky here as I want to be.

I'm really passionate about fair trade coffee. (And chocolate for that matter, but that's another blog post.) This is a my favorite coffee right now. http://wickedjoe.com/java/ They only sell a few different types at my grocery store and my favorite is Sumatra. I'd love to try them all.

I am as passionate about birds as I am about fair trade, so I really like that the coffee above is "bird friendly". Here's their site. http://nationalzoo.si.edu/ConservationAndScience/MigratoryBirds/Coffee/
It's pretty cool.

That's it. For now.

Alex needs surgery on his arm. Not the greatest news.

Hoping I don't kill 'em

I got a these cute little succulants today with some leftover birthday money. I have a bad history with indoor plants, but I've always managed to keep this christmas cactus my grandmother gave me alive. Then I was reading the other day that succulants are a good way to go if you forget to water because they actually do better when they're allowed to get really dry in between waterings. So, hopefully, these ones will do O.K. I included a couple close up shots of the leaves because the colors are really pretty.

Birthday presents...

new poem (untitled thus far)

Sand dunes line her spine.
Face down, eyes shut,
grains press their pointed dark.
Warm rays reach,
but dark hides her from the sky.
She recalls how it blew through
in a bruised blue.
Her need thick, sand swirling around her,
rising up in the passion,
she burned and peeled herself down.
Raw florescent white, shivering skin to skin,
until the sand rained down,
took her breath, swallowed her whole.
She lost him. She lost him
somewhere on the surface.
He shimmers still, up in the wild wind.
Yet her palms press the earth, the hush,
curl to the cold, nursing the cold, until she stills.
Lets herself be buried.
Dreamier and dizzier she goes,
bones delightful in their chill.
She'll remember every delicious moment of
saying goodbye to the sky.

Things that piss me off

1. Having to go back on meds.
2. Having my meds stop working.
3. Knowing I could raise the dose, but will have yuck side effects.
4. My doctor looking at me like she doesn't know what to do with me except raise the dose or put me on a new med. Going on about "trusting that I'm not in danger" and that "I know you have a lot of insight". If I truly know more than every health professional I see, THEY NEED TO GO BACK TO SCHOOL. I'm the patient. I need HELP. Help me!
5. Being scheduled for a follow up appt after said incident, even though nothing was accomplished. Sure, they'll take my $ again. And then they'll throw up their hands, have me make another appt, and send me home to do my own research.
6. The new manager at work who is apparently incapable of giving a compliment without giving criticism promply after.
7. Feeling like no matter how hard I try, doing extra work, performing better than everyone else, coming in on my day off, staying late- it's never enough. I can strive for perfection every waking moment but there will always be something to pick apart.
8. Being an alcoholic, therefore not being able to have a glass of wine to just stop this blinding rage I feel sometimes.
9. Birthday cards that mean well, but just end up making me cry, relive the past, wishing I could forgive and forget- but I just can't seem to.
10. Cramping every day lately from my IUD. I spend almost a grand on the thing and I don't want to part with it. I will probably put up with the pain because I am that determined not to reproduce. And pills make me nuts. But what the eff? Seriously. My first one came out and then I can't even enjoy the 2nd? It's getting to the point that I am almost getting a sick pleasure out of the pain.
11. Missoula. Need I say more? I guess it was for the best, but now Alex is out of work with possible nerve damage due to working so hard for so long. For what, you ask? The dream of moving to Montana. I can be all zen and accepting of it some days, but other days I seriously can't believe the crappiness of it all.

So pissed off right now.

Update

Not sure if anyone comes here anymore, but I just wanted to say formally on this blog for anyone who doesn't already know- I am back in Maine and doing O.K. We decided Montana wasn't our cup of tea, so here we are. It's been a bumpy ride, have had to go back on my meds, and have had a bit of anxiety, to say the least. I wish sometimes I could just crawl out of my head for a day and stop over analyzing everything. I also wish for some good sleep. My meds give me insomnia at first. I have fitful sleep and frequent/vivid dreams. People that don't remember their dreams and feel bothered by it, let me tell you- you aren't missing much! I would love to sleep a nice, heavy dreamless sleep.

Anyway.....I found a good job housekeeping at a really pretty inn, and I like it. It's quiet, the views are gorgeous, and there's a very limited amount of people to deal with, so the work-place drama is relatively small. No Animal Planet, sadly. They have satellite instead of cable, and get very few channels, so I have found myself watching a lot of CNN. Probably a good thing because it has been making me start to do more research and work toward a clearer picture before the election.

Guess that's all for now. I may come back soon and do some artistic touches to this place. I like it, even if it is under lock and key! ;)