Can I go to bed now?

A strange day today. My cousin, Nicole, called and said she wouldn't be at yoga class tonight because she was sick. I was fully planning to go, after I had lunch with my grandmother and everything. But I went to bed emotionally overwhelmed last night and woke up that way this morning. I just refuse to operate longer than I have to as a teary, confused mess. It's really hard for me to be in public when I'm that way. I feel like my skin is going to peel off any second. So, I bailed out of yoga and came home and made myself tea instead.

I've done some thinking, and I guess I've come to some sort of conclusion. I've been having a lot of sadness and fear since I heard about the death of my second cousin. Like I said, it's made me think a lot about death, but it's also made me think about what it would be like to lose someone close to me, as, gratefully, I have never experienced this. Occasionally I get really worried about Alex's smoking, and I've been absolutely sick with fear about it lately. I think part of it also is that several friends lately are experiencing cancer in a loved one. It TERRIFIES me to to think of having to watch someone I love die. It would be even worse if I have kids. I'm not sure I am strong enough to be a single parent. But the thing is, I knew he smoked when I married him. I smoked socially, too. He has tried to quit, and I have communicated all of my thoughts and fears to him multiple times. I really can't do anything else, and I refuse to be naggy and bitchy about it. It makes me feel powerless about my future, though.

I guess what I have come to is this- I just can't live my life based on "what if?". I can't take it personally that he hasn't quit yet. I know from experience that one has to be completely ready to quit an addiction, and that it sometimes takes multiple times to finally do it. I know there is a chance he could get sick, even if he quits, but I don't know exactly what lasting damage I have done to my body with some of the choices I've made either. I guess those are the types of things people think of when they say words like "unconditional love" and "for better or for worse". I don't ever want to cause shame or guilt in anyone I love. I just can't control the future or protect myself from everything. I really need to stop trying to prepare myself for every possible scenario. I do this the most when I think about having kids, the possibility of which I have become more open to recently. The courage that it takes to have children still astounds me because children are like a part of yourself that you can't always keep close and protected and watched. This terrifies me. But the thought of undertaking parenthood alone REALLY terrifies me.

Anyway, God, I can't believe I invited people in here to read this stuff . I really just had to get that out, though.

To end on a lighter note- I had a wonderful lunch with my grandmother. I brought her a bird feeder as a belated birthday gift and put it up at her window so she could see it from her chair. She seemed really happy when I left. :)

I can be morbid

Well, I've had this week off from work and it's been pretty nice. Unfortunately the last few days I've felt some darkness creep in. Wednesday night I found out another second cousin of mine had committed suicide. Some of you may remember me mentioning the other one who committed suicide a year and a half ago, or so. Now it's happened again. It's in the same side of the family. I feel so sad for my grandmother who is dealing with the fact that two of her brothers sons have killed themselves. I hear she's been pretty down lately, so I'm planning to have lunch with her on Monday.

Anyway....it's just so disturbing. The circumstances were quite different but it still makes me think there's some sort of pattern here. It makes me wonder. It also makes me think about death. As low as I have gotten, death has always scared me more than life. I just don't know what comes after. I want to think it'll be good, but I honestly have my doubts. I'm much more afraid of the unknown than anything here. Then I start to just think about spirituality in general. I seriously pray every day that I will have some sort of awakening about it. I would like to find peace in the confusion and the fact that I just don't know what I believe, but it's hard with the way I've been brought up. It's scares me to admit that deep down I doubt the religion I was raised in. I have fought the doubts just because it's easier to believe. But I do doubt. I can't pretend otherwise.

I don't know where I am going with this. When I think like this it just makes me feel so alone. I know I'm not alone in these type of feelings, but nothing anyone says can give relief from them.When this sort of stuff is going on inside of me, I seem even more unable to be around people. I've had two people lately indicate that I have been distant. I feel guilty about this, and like I'm some sort of narcissist, but sometimes I don't even realize I've been out of touch with people. I'm just so in my head all the time, and I feel terrible that I can't be more intimate. I want to be. Or at least I know it's what I need.

I have no idea what the point of this blog entry was. Just a outpouring of conciousness, I guess.

Pre-party jitters

Well, I'm all dressed and ready to go to a party for two co-workers that are leaving. I only feel slightly sick to my stomach so far. It's a 45 minute drive over there, so give me time.

I'm always worried that I'm either dressed up too much or too little. I'm bringing little goodbye gifts of music and candles, so hopefully that will give me some thing to discuss.

O.K, the nausea has increased a few notches.....

I just want to sleep!

I haven't been sleeping well. It's a side effect of the Celexa and it sucks big-time. Lunesta is expensive and doesn't always do the job. I don't know what I'm going to do. A person has to sleep. I'd rather suffer from insomnia than weight gain, which is sad, but I really do not do well without adequate sleep. Why is it that with an a/d, you really have to choose the lesser of evils? It's not an easy fix.

I had an emotional day today. I get angry really easily when I'm not sleeping. I start to dislike the human race. I don't enjoy that feeling, but when it comes it overtakes me. I can bite my tongue, but the thoughts still rage. I also get kind of self-pitying. Poor me that my clients can be so irritating, poor me that I feel like the black sheep of the family, poor me that I'm lonely, poor me that I feel isolated, poor me that I suffer from depression and have to be back on meds and dealing with the side effects. Poor me. Then my friend confided to me that her mom just got diagnosed with cancer. Which caused immense guilt for the pity party I'd been having inside my head. So I blasted Patty Griffins Poor Man's House. It helped, but I still feel icky.

Anyway, sleep would be nice. Emotions can be so draining. Especially when you're sober.

Habits...

Well, I've been putting off actually blogging because I was hoping to get a better template, but I guess this will have to do until I figure out how to get a better one. I really want something Patty related, so may have to recruit someone far more computer savvy to help me.

Not anything too exciting happening lately, except I have been feeling a lot better, and have really been trying to bring a little more peace and balance to my life. Whenever one gives up a bad habit, it needs to replaced with a better, healthier habit. My new camera has been a great start, but I've also started up yoga, something I've been wanting to do for awhile. I'm looking into taking a class with my cousin, but in the meantime I have purchased a DVD. It was filmed in Hawaii under this gorgeous tree, so not only do you get the ocean in the background, you get the shadows from the tree on the grass. I'm really enjoying it so far.

I've also gotten really into aromatherapy. I mainly got interested in this because of the insomnia I have been suffering from, and it's great. I'm positively obsessed with lavender, but I just purchased a tealight burner, so I'll have to start experimenting with some other oils. Last night I lit the candle while I did my yoga, and the smell of lavender while I was doing the poses really added to the experiance.

So things have been good. I did have a pretty good sized pang of loneliness last night, but instead of sinking my teeth into that feeling, or worse, trying to numb it away, I'll choose to do something about it. Like call my cousin to talk about getting back into hiking and also talk about the yoga class. We were hiking faithfully every Monday, and then had to skip a week, which turned into a month. We both hate the phone, so the days have just kept going by. I really need to pick up to the damn phone more, though. I am constantly moaning to myself about feeling disconnected, but I don't do anything about it. In the midst of depression it's completely normal to ruminate constantly but take no action. I'm really tired of living this way.

Of course I could list about 10 things right now that I want to do that I have been putting off because they're uncomfortable or scary. I guess one step at a time, right?