Sobriety struggles

So.....I had abstained from alcohol for almost a year and a half, when recently, during my visit to FL, I relapsed for a day. I have been popping klonopin like candy since then. (I get occasional scrips for them. My doc is sub-ing them for the valium since valium produces euphoria.). At this point, I am not sure I am willing to give up benzo's. But I feel I will never be completely sober until I do. Believe me, I've tried all the healthy stuff- yoga, essential oils, tea, bath, books, Prayer, walking.... It was a bit crazy when I relapsed because I had a partial blackout but no puking or anything else too out of control occurred, thankfully. It felt SO comforting- my limbs completely weightless, floating on the surface of a sea. The nerve endings quiet finally. The world was a blur all around me and I felt protected by the haze and the numbness. Always, though, it only calms the surface of the sea. Down beneath it's still black and twisted with anxiety, swirling with thoughts, fears, emotions, ruminations- tangled seaweed. My soul all murky with the chaos of being human.

I don't know where the path to sobriety is going. I feel like I'm sitting in a bramble patch covered with juice, thorns and scratches, and all I want to do is lick my wounds. All I want is a respite from being so over-sensitive. If it's cowardly to say I just want some relief from this terrible burning skin, this brain that runs me until I'm on my bloody knees, pleading "please, please, please", then I guess I am a coward.

I'm pretty sure my doc won't refill the klonopin via phone, which involves a dr appt and $. And I'll also have to be a bit tricky with my wording to get the refill in the first place. I don't want to drink again. But it would be so EASY to do it now since I already threw away almost 2 years of work. I'm so confused. I hate this.

Work, palm trees

The work situation is this- my housekeeping job right now is going well. It's a relief not to take stress home or wake up feeling sick in the morning before work. This job is practically stress free. I deal with only a few people a day. For only a second at a time usually. It's a nice break. I feel safe. The problem is, it's not challenging or meaningful. Even though I don't have a huge supply of self-confidence, I do think that I am capable of more than this.

There may be a job opening up soon at the spca. I was told to keep in touch with them (they already have my resume), and I sent them off an e-mail the other day to see where they were at as far as the job opening. So we'll see. I don't know if it'll pay enough or if I'll be able to work out a schedule that works with my other job, but I'm going to give it a shot. I really miss working with animals. We'll see what happens.

My trip to Fl is fast approaching. I'll be there the 15th-22nd. I'm excited, but I also know it's going to be rather hectic, with the full house of people and my parents vow renewal and all. Plus there are certain family issues that trouble me, but I'm trying not to take it on my shoulders too much. It's easy to do that, but I know that I can't control everything. *sigh*

Anyway, I am looking forward to laying out in the sun. A lot.

Another trip to the greenhouse...

Well, I decided to be really adventurous and get another plant. This one is called Culumnea Aladdin's Lamp. Cool, huh?

Have I mentioned going to a greenhouse in the winter time really is a huge pick-me-up? I love it.