Well, the time has come. Today I am hustling to get everything done, and tomorrow we embark on our move to Montana. My emotions have been all over the place the last few days. I've been excited, scared, sad, overwhelmed- sometimes all of these at once. It feels like I'm saying goodbye to an era of my life, and in a way,I am. So much has happened here, both good and bad, and I've relived all of it these last couple of weeks. Overall, I am just really happy to leave it all behind and start new. But I've shed some tears over it, too. The other day I was driving to my cousins house to say goodbye, and a song came on the radio that I remember listening to at the Christian school I went to. This reminded me of my classmate who was murdered, and I definitely shed some tears over that. I'm hyper-emotional right now, which is strange for me, as I'm used to being more in my head. But I think it's good. To release the past, you really have to be aware of what it is you are releasing.
Anyway, after tomorrow, I am unsure as to when I will have internet again. I just wanted to let everyone know that I'm O.K, and hopefully next time I post, I will be settled in my new home in Montana.
Saturday, November 10, 2007
Thursday, November 01, 2007
Florence, Paintings in Paris~ I'm no fighter, but I'm fighting
O.K, the move is a week and a half away, and I'm so excited I can barely stand it! One of the towns we are considering is named Florence. Isn't that exotic and bohemian sounding?
Saying a few goodbyes before we leave, and a bit more packing. I've been lazy about the packing lately because it's tiring to see people. And everyone has a list of questions. I don't like being forcibly made to share personal tidbits. It's not pretty. Or rather, it IS at times, but still tiring. People are tiring.
One of the questions I've been asked over and over is "do you have roots there"? Um....no, actually NOT. That's the whole point, you see? But people think this is the act of a "naive young person". Um...actually, I've done this my whole life, and it can be done, multiple times, in fact, and be just fine.
I'm just fine. I'm thinking of the new beginning, and I feel inspired to work harder, have more courage, and rise to my full potential. If that seems naive, then I guess I'll take my chances.
I wonder if people knew that it's been over a year now since I've had a drink, would they see a little more in me. I am definitely not naive. I've looked into the darkest parts of some things, to the point of needing medication at times. My brain is so over-reactive, I can guarantee just about every possible disaster has occured to me at some point or another. So, no worries there, folks. I'm diving in anyway. I release the past and all my hang-up's about it. I leave this place in peace now.
That's the long and short of it anyway. I certainly go back and forth to different extremes. That's the stress of the situation. Excitement is akin to anxiety for me, and I come down as fast as I go up. But that's just life. I'll go down fighting, that's all I know. It's the one truth I know.
Saying a few goodbyes before we leave, and a bit more packing. I've been lazy about the packing lately because it's tiring to see people. And everyone has a list of questions. I don't like being forcibly made to share personal tidbits. It's not pretty. Or rather, it IS at times, but still tiring. People are tiring.
One of the questions I've been asked over and over is "do you have roots there"? Um....no, actually NOT. That's the whole point, you see? But people think this is the act of a "naive young person". Um...actually, I've done this my whole life, and it can be done, multiple times, in fact, and be just fine.
I'm just fine. I'm thinking of the new beginning, and I feel inspired to work harder, have more courage, and rise to my full potential. If that seems naive, then I guess I'll take my chances.
I wonder if people knew that it's been over a year now since I've had a drink, would they see a little more in me. I am definitely not naive. I've looked into the darkest parts of some things, to the point of needing medication at times. My brain is so over-reactive, I can guarantee just about every possible disaster has occured to me at some point or another. So, no worries there, folks. I'm diving in anyway. I release the past and all my hang-up's about it. I leave this place in peace now.
That's the long and short of it anyway. I certainly go back and forth to different extremes. That's the stress of the situation. Excitement is akin to anxiety for me, and I come down as fast as I go up. But that's just life. I'll go down fighting, that's all I know. It's the one truth I know.
Wednesday, September 19, 2007
O.K, I didn't know what I was saying in my last entry...
I thought I was working a lot then! LOL What a naive child I was. I've been working 6 days a week lately. I've just started to have 2 days off, which seems like a huge deal now. But I've just put my shoulder to the grindstone and kept pushing. Our move is still on (the end of Oct, beginning of Nov), and I'm SO ready. I could burn sage like crazy around this house and it still wouldn't feel as good as starting fresh someplace new. I am so tempted to cut my hair short and dye my hair a crazy color or get a tattoo. Ha Ha. just kidding. I think I'll just stick to dying my hair dark brown. With temporary dye.
I am on my 2nd try with the IUD. Here's a link if anyone is interested in the gory details. It's hasn't been a tea party, so if you don't want any bad images or talk of my girl parts, do move a long.
http://community.livejournal.com/iud_divas/986257.html
http://community.livejournal.com/iud_divas/1003451.html
Yeah, I've been wading through some muck lately, but that's life, I suppose. My anger sometimes gets the better of me, and when I work too much and sleep too little, I get tight as a guitar string. People just needle away at me until it just grates on my last nerve! It's certainly a good reminder of why I like being a hermit!
Anyway, I have a feeling things will be really hard when we first get to Montana. All the adjustments and the new people and the new job and the new EVERYTHING. But maybe if there's so much new, I'll release the old. And all will be well. Well and calm. That is my wish.
I am on my 2nd try with the IUD. Here's a link if anyone is interested in the gory details. It's hasn't been a tea party, so if you don't want any bad images or talk of my girl parts, do move a long.
http://community.livejournal.com/iud_divas/986257.html
http://community.livejournal.com/iud_divas/1003451.html
Yeah, I've been wading through some muck lately, but that's life, I suppose. My anger sometimes gets the better of me, and when I work too much and sleep too little, I get tight as a guitar string. People just needle away at me until it just grates on my last nerve! It's certainly a good reminder of why I like being a hermit!
Anyway, I have a feeling things will be really hard when we first get to Montana. All the adjustments and the new people and the new job and the new EVERYTHING. But maybe if there's so much new, I'll release the old. And all will be well. Well and calm. That is my wish.
Monday, July 09, 2007
Just a brief post to let everyone know I'm still alive. Things are going O.K, except I'm working SO MUCH and it's already catching up to me. I picked up Tuesday nights, which I think will be O.K, except I also agreed to pick up the next two Mondays for co-workers that are going away. This week I'll be working Monday through Saturday, working a double on Friday. Next week I'll have Friday night and Saturday off, but it's my brothers wedding, so Alex and I will be driving to and from PA, which is exhausting in itself. This all seemed fine and well a couple of weeks ago when things were slow still, but now things have gotten so busy, and I wonder if I've bitten off more than I can chew. I guess it'll be O.K. Once I get through the Mondays, things will seem less overwhelming, I think. I hope.
Just having moments of feelng tired and teary and anxious. And it's only July.
Just having moments of feelng tired and teary and anxious. And it's only July.
Tuesday, June 05, 2007
The new job is going fine. My body is definitely thanking me for putting less stress on it. The people seem great, so far. I've made a few mistakes, which is always fairly mortifying for me, but nothing that has effected the costumers, so I guess that's the important part. I have a hard time not beating myself up over mistakes and reliving them over and over, though.*sigh*
It's been a bit of an adjustment getting used to being around people more. When I was grooming, for the most part, I was alone in my little room. If I got overwhelmed with the drama going on with the staff, I could retreat to my space. I've definitely had moments of feeling over stimulated at this new job. But I also have really enjoyed meeting new people and being in a new environment.
Other than that, not much new going on. I have decided to give up caffeine again. I've been drinking decaf coffee. I've tried this before and I never feel any different, other than I don't get the lift in mood I do with regular coffee, but I've been thinking lately, especially with the anxiety I've experienced changing jobs, that caffeine surely can't be helping matters. Besides, I do want to someday be completely chemical free.
Yeah, so we'll see.
It's been a bit of an adjustment getting used to being around people more. When I was grooming, for the most part, I was alone in my little room. If I got overwhelmed with the drama going on with the staff, I could retreat to my space. I've definitely had moments of feeling over stimulated at this new job. But I also have really enjoyed meeting new people and being in a new environment.
Other than that, not much new going on. I have decided to give up caffeine again. I've been drinking decaf coffee. I've tried this before and I never feel any different, other than I don't get the lift in mood I do with regular coffee, but I've been thinking lately, especially with the anxiety I've experienced changing jobs, that caffeine surely can't be helping matters. Besides, I do want to someday be completely chemical free.
Yeah, so we'll see.
Saturday, May 26, 2007
Sunday, May 20, 2007
Goals
So, I start my new job this Thurs. I'll be training Thurs and Fri. I won't be taking any tables or anything, just learning how everything works. Sometimes I am looking forward to getting this thing started and getting closer to Montana, but other times I'm terrified. I tried upping my dose of Buspar but it made me really tired and light headed, so I went back down to the original dose. I just keep telling myself that soon I will be settled there.
I'm going to yoga tomorrow after missing a bunch of classes. My cousin Nicole was gone on vacation and I couldn't seem to cope with going to class myself. The teacher is really hands on with students, telling you when you aren't holding a pose correctly, and sometimes it gets to be too much for me. It's hard enough being critiqued in front of a group, let alone having her put her hands on me to guide me. She's really nice, though. I wish I could just get over my anxiety. Now that Nicole is back, I've decided to try again because I do get a lot of good out the class. It helps ground me.
I've been thinking a lot lately about exercise and I readily admit that I'm one of those people that says I'm too tired to exercise. Part of it is my medication, but a lot of it is I just am not a morning person, so I never wake up early enough to exercise and when I get home from work I am too tired. I do think that once I start waitressing and leave for work later in the day, I can exercise in the late morning. I have decided to commit myself to walking every morning before work. Most days I won't have to be to work until 4:30, so there is no reason I can't do this.
Another thing I have been thinking about is how much I want to be off all synthetic medications. I do think that I need some sort of support for the summer & move, but I've been thinking that once I get the IUD, I might taper off the Celexa and Buspar and try St Johns Wort. I'm on such a low dose of the Celexa, that I think it would be O.K. I've been doing lots of reading, and I think it might be exactly the thing for me. I've never really been able to try it out because it effects the pill. But hopefully that won't be the case for much longer. Not only does it have anti-depressant properties, it can also help with PMS, which I admit is a bit of concern with going au natural with the IUD. Anyway, I would be so pleased if I could say I am on no meds except SJW. Not to mention, it rarely has side effects.
So these are my two goals for the summer~
1. Take a walk at least five days a week. Continue once a week yoga class and practice on own as much as possible.
2. After getting IUD, taper off meds and start on SJW.
Oh, and to not go crazy, but that's my goal every summer. :P
I'm going to yoga tomorrow after missing a bunch of classes. My cousin Nicole was gone on vacation and I couldn't seem to cope with going to class myself. The teacher is really hands on with students, telling you when you aren't holding a pose correctly, and sometimes it gets to be too much for me. It's hard enough being critiqued in front of a group, let alone having her put her hands on me to guide me. She's really nice, though. I wish I could just get over my anxiety. Now that Nicole is back, I've decided to try again because I do get a lot of good out the class. It helps ground me.
I've been thinking a lot lately about exercise and I readily admit that I'm one of those people that says I'm too tired to exercise. Part of it is my medication, but a lot of it is I just am not a morning person, so I never wake up early enough to exercise and when I get home from work I am too tired. I do think that once I start waitressing and leave for work later in the day, I can exercise in the late morning. I have decided to commit myself to walking every morning before work. Most days I won't have to be to work until 4:30, so there is no reason I can't do this.
Another thing I have been thinking about is how much I want to be off all synthetic medications. I do think that I need some sort of support for the summer & move, but I've been thinking that once I get the IUD, I might taper off the Celexa and Buspar and try St Johns Wort. I'm on such a low dose of the Celexa, that I think it would be O.K. I've been doing lots of reading, and I think it might be exactly the thing for me. I've never really been able to try it out because it effects the pill. But hopefully that won't be the case for much longer. Not only does it have anti-depressant properties, it can also help with PMS, which I admit is a bit of concern with going au natural with the IUD. Anyway, I would be so pleased if I could say I am on no meds except SJW. Not to mention, it rarely has side effects.
So these are my two goals for the summer~
1. Take a walk at least five days a week. Continue once a week yoga class and practice on own as much as possible.
2. After getting IUD, taper off meds and start on SJW.
Oh, and to not go crazy, but that's my goal every summer. :P
Monday, May 07, 2007
No boys allowed. lol
I had my annual pap today and my consultation for the IUD, so thought I'd share how it went. I posted it in a LJ community I belong to that has loads of info on IUD's, so decided I'd just post the link. I know some of you girls that read this blog aren't interested in reproducing anytime soon (if at all) either, so it's definitely an option worth looking into. I'm glad I did. :)
http://community.livejournal.com/iud_divas/846937.html?mode=reply
http://community.livejournal.com/iud_divas/846937.html?mode=reply
Friday, April 27, 2007
update- in list form
1. The new job starts in a couple weeks. Nervous, nervous, nervous. Waves of anxiety have come and gone, and seem to be building as the time gets closer. I had a bit of a panic attack the other night, having trouble breathing and stuff. I just wish I could close my eyes and be there and adjusted. I hate starting a new job. It's like the first day in a new school or something.
2. I'm sadder about leaving some of my clients then I thought. They've been so sweet and supportive. One woman told me I was the best thing that had happened to them, another told me I was unreplaceable. Part of me felt so moved, but another part of me felt guilty, as I often do when I receive a compliment.
3. I've started BuSpar. It's just short term (hopefully) for my anxiety. It's non habit forming, and has the additional benefit of possible augmenting anti-depressants. Since I had to half my dose of the Celexa, this would be ideal. I'm hoping just to be on the meds until we get settled in Montana.
4. Haven't had a drink in over 9 months.
5. I'm looking into getting an IUD. I'm tired of hormonal pills. I have to endure a horrific week or two of depression every single month when I start my new pack of pills and I simply can't endure it any longer. Plus, I've been on them over eight years and I don't think it's really good to be on them so long. They also make me break out (at the same time I'm going nuts- great fun.). I've tried so many kinds and they all eventually end up having the same side effects. I'm just done. An IUD is expensive (though it saves loads of money in the longterm since you aren't shelling out for pills every month) and the procedure can be pretty painful, but it's up to 10 years of extremely effective (almost as effective as sterilization) reversable birth control. And I'll be free of the fake hormones and have my normal cycle back. I especially think that, since I've added another med, this is a good idea. Three meds is too much. So we'll see what happens. I'm in the process of making the arrangements, but it may be a couple months before it actually happens.
And that's about it. Time to go watch mindless TV now and finish my tea. :)
2. I'm sadder about leaving some of my clients then I thought. They've been so sweet and supportive. One woman told me I was the best thing that had happened to them, another told me I was unreplaceable. Part of me felt so moved, but another part of me felt guilty, as I often do when I receive a compliment.
3. I've started BuSpar. It's just short term (hopefully) for my anxiety. It's non habit forming, and has the additional benefit of possible augmenting anti-depressants. Since I had to half my dose of the Celexa, this would be ideal. I'm hoping just to be on the meds until we get settled in Montana.
4. Haven't had a drink in over 9 months.
5. I'm looking into getting an IUD. I'm tired of hormonal pills. I have to endure a horrific week or two of depression every single month when I start my new pack of pills and I simply can't endure it any longer. Plus, I've been on them over eight years and I don't think it's really good to be on them so long. They also make me break out (at the same time I'm going nuts- great fun.). I've tried so many kinds and they all eventually end up having the same side effects. I'm just done. An IUD is expensive (though it saves loads of money in the longterm since you aren't shelling out for pills every month) and the procedure can be pretty painful, but it's up to 10 years of extremely effective (almost as effective as sterilization) reversable birth control. And I'll be free of the fake hormones and have my normal cycle back. I especially think that, since I've added another med, this is a good idea. Three meds is too much. So we'll see what happens. I'm in the process of making the arrangements, but it may be a couple months before it actually happens.
And that's about it. Time to go watch mindless TV now and finish my tea. :)
Monday, April 16, 2007
Hmm...interesting
Just took this quiz that is supposed to tell you what religion most suits you.
http://www.beliefnet.com/story/76/story_7665_1.html
Turns out I ranked highest in reform Judaism and Liberal Quakerism. lol
http://www.beliefnet.com/story/76/story_7665_1.html
Turns out I ranked highest in reform Judaism and Liberal Quakerism. lol
Friday, April 06, 2007
staying on the ride
Well, I have a job at a nearby restaurant and am due to start mid May. I gave my notice today at work, and felt a surge of relief that the date I will be exiting this job and moving to another is now determined and decided on paper, and thus I don't have to be agonizing over these particular variables any longer. That part is done. I'm feeling a little better. I always feel less anxious when things become more linear. Change doesn't scare me, but transitions do, if that makes any sense. I'm an impatient control freak. I want change, but I want to go quickly from point A to point B. I don't like that squirmy, anxious feeling of being in between.
As for the whole (rather narcissistic) angst about the future, my purpose, a career, kids, etc. etc- I'm only 28! Lots of people at my age don't have this kind of stuff figured out yet. Right? I don't know why I put so much pressure on myself to live up to this ideal I have in my head of what a human being should be. Who says that in order to be successful as a person you either have to have a great career or be a parent? Who made these laws and why am I holding myself to them? And yes, I do have trouble being around people, but I truly feel that this isn't anything to feel shame over- social anxiety is a real thing, and at least I have a few deep relationships and have continued to hold a job. These are not things that people with my issues are always able to accomplish. There have been times I have honestly considered going on disability because my depression/anxiety has gotten so bad. But I kept fighting. And I'm going to keep fighting. I'm not a failure just because I have doubts and fears and some things come harder to me than they do the average person. And I don't have to have my life planned to the letter.
Anyway, so I guess I won't be flinging myself off any cliffs anytime soon. ;) I'm starting to feel a little excited again. It's just.....some days I'm more scared than excited, and that's O.K.
As for the whole (rather narcissistic) angst about the future, my purpose, a career, kids, etc. etc- I'm only 28! Lots of people at my age don't have this kind of stuff figured out yet. Right? I don't know why I put so much pressure on myself to live up to this ideal I have in my head of what a human being should be. Who says that in order to be successful as a person you either have to have a great career or be a parent? Who made these laws and why am I holding myself to them? And yes, I do have trouble being around people, but I truly feel that this isn't anything to feel shame over- social anxiety is a real thing, and at least I have a few deep relationships and have continued to hold a job. These are not things that people with my issues are always able to accomplish. There have been times I have honestly considered going on disability because my depression/anxiety has gotten so bad. But I kept fighting. And I'm going to keep fighting. I'm not a failure just because I have doubts and fears and some things come harder to me than they do the average person. And I don't have to have my life planned to the letter.
Anyway, so I guess I won't be flinging myself off any cliffs anytime soon. ;) I'm starting to feel a little excited again. It's just.....some days I'm more scared than excited, and that's O.K.
Tuesday, April 03, 2007
Not the prettiest side of me, I know.
And out of nowhere, a nasty bout of depression strikes. I've felt so crappy the last couple of days. I just don't know what the hell I'm doing. Sure, we have plans, but like, WTF am I doing? As in ME. I am getting done with grooming, which I know is the best choice for me physically, but I have no idea what I'll be doing when we move to Montana. Getting a job isn't the problem. But I'm about to end what I thought was my career. Do I try to find a new one? Do I have any skills that could even make $? I'm a medicore artist and photographer. Not too marketable. It wouldn't be such a big deal if I planned to have children someday. I could just say to myself: I'll work a kennel job or something until Alex gets through school and we're in a finanical position for me to be a stay at home mom. Which is what I would want to be if I had kids. For awhile I was really leaning toward that. It made me feel like I had some noble plan for myself, some reason for being here. But now I'm not so sure. I'm starting to go back to feeling that the thought of kids makes me sick. So what am I doing? Why am I here?
I know about taking it one day at a time, moment by moment, blah, blah, blah. I should find joy in everything I do, in any job I take, in every connection I make. I should find joy just in the fact that I am alive and healthy. But I had really hoped my life had a purpose. Why am I here if I have no career and choose not be a parent? Just to be a wife and pay some of the bills? To think deep thoughts but never have the balls to go outside? Is that why I'm here? For the most part I do not enjoy being around people, don't have many friends or close bonds, so it's not like I'm even enriching anyone else's life. I'm just taking up space.
Seriously. I just don't know sometimes.
I know about taking it one day at a time, moment by moment, blah, blah, blah. I should find joy in everything I do, in any job I take, in every connection I make. I should find joy just in the fact that I am alive and healthy. But I had really hoped my life had a purpose. Why am I here if I have no career and choose not be a parent? Just to be a wife and pay some of the bills? To think deep thoughts but never have the balls to go outside? Is that why I'm here? For the most part I do not enjoy being around people, don't have many friends or close bonds, so it's not like I'm even enriching anyone else's life. I'm just taking up space.
Seriously. I just don't know sometimes.
Friday, March 30, 2007
"Some things only she knows...."
My friend brought in some issues of The New Yorker, and in a 2006 edition I found and immediantly fell in love with this poem by Margaret Atwood. I don't care how scary this woman is. I ♥ her.
Secrecy
Secrecy flows through you,
a different kind of blood.
It's as if you've eaten it
like a bad candy,
taken it into your mouth,
let it melt sweetly on your tongue,
then allowed it to slide down your throat
like the reverse of uttering,
a word dissolved
into it's glottals and sibilants,
a slow intake of breath--
And now it's in you, secrecy.
Ancient and vicious, luscious
a dark velvet.
It blooms in you,
a poppy made of ink.
You can think of nothing else.
Once you have it, you want more.
What power it gives you!
Power of knowing without being known,
power of the stone door,
power of the iron veil,
power of the crushed fingers,
power of the drowned bones
crying out from the bottom of the well.
Secrecy
Secrecy flows through you,
a different kind of blood.
It's as if you've eaten it
like a bad candy,
taken it into your mouth,
let it melt sweetly on your tongue,
then allowed it to slide down your throat
like the reverse of uttering,
a word dissolved
into it's glottals and sibilants,
a slow intake of breath--
And now it's in you, secrecy.
Ancient and vicious, luscious
a dark velvet.
It blooms in you,
a poppy made of ink.
You can think of nothing else.
Once you have it, you want more.
What power it gives you!
Power of knowing without being known,
power of the stone door,
power of the iron veil,
power of the crushed fingers,
power of the drowned bones
crying out from the bottom of the well.
Monday, March 26, 2007
First real rant of this blog- are ya ready?
O.K, I'm starting to think I might get done with grooming sooner. I went to change my outgoing message on my work voice mail, and found a message even though all my messages were supposed to be written down instead of put through to voicemail . (LOOOONG story, but basically I learned the hard way that our voicemail system erases messages after 7 days, unless you pay more, which of course my boss was unwilling to do.) But anyway, obviously this one person slipped through the cracks and ended up in my mailbox. She has a very large dog that is 3 years old, never been groomed, matted, and when the dog was boarding few weeks ago I told her it would cost more than the 50$ she could afford to spend on grooming, so she told me not to do it. But now she's left a message for me to get when I got back from vacation wanting to know exactly WHY it was so much because her friend had 2 dogs that I'd done a couple of times and were also matted but I charged them less. She and HER FRIEND both want to know my reasoning behind charging this woman more. OMG. Can you believe the audacity?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?
I'm not sure I am even going to dignify this woman with an response, but if I were going to give her one it would be-
1. To begin with, your dog is a completely different breed! Pricing is not only about matting, it's about breed, size, weight, and texture of hair. In addition, a dog that is over a year old and has never been groomed is almost always harder to groom than a dog that has been groomed because you have to spend the extra time getting him used to the experience. Time is money, lady.
2. I'm fairly sure my prices have gone up since the last time I did your friends dogs.
3. I can charge any damn amount I want for my services. I get 50% of what I make BEFORE taxes. I'm not a charity. I rarely reduce my prices for my most loyal, kindest clients, let alone for some annoying, petulant bitch I have never dealt with who is not only trying to haggle me about the price, but is also bringing her friend, another client, into the situation. I mean, how rude & obnoxious can you be?
Do people actually, truly think that this sort of behavior will make someone change their price? It's positively mind boggling. It's times like this that my ego & that defiant Aquarius side of me takes over, and I'm working on that, but really- I'm insulted.
Obviously I will still have to deal with people in a restaurant, but at least the price is always the same on the menu, and if they have a problem, you hand them over to the manager. And I'll only be there for the summer, maybe sooner. I don't know. I'm just completely disgusted, and I'm not even back at work yet.
I'm not sure I am even going to dignify this woman with an response, but if I were going to give her one it would be-
1. To begin with, your dog is a completely different breed! Pricing is not only about matting, it's about breed, size, weight, and texture of hair. In addition, a dog that is over a year old and has never been groomed is almost always harder to groom than a dog that has been groomed because you have to spend the extra time getting him used to the experience. Time is money, lady.
2. I'm fairly sure my prices have gone up since the last time I did your friends dogs.
3. I can charge any damn amount I want for my services. I get 50% of what I make BEFORE taxes. I'm not a charity. I rarely reduce my prices for my most loyal, kindest clients, let alone for some annoying, petulant bitch I have never dealt with who is not only trying to haggle me about the price, but is also bringing her friend, another client, into the situation. I mean, how rude & obnoxious can you be?
Do people actually, truly think that this sort of behavior will make someone change their price? It's positively mind boggling. It's times like this that my ego & that defiant Aquarius side of me takes over, and I'm working on that, but really- I'm insulted.
Obviously I will still have to deal with people in a restaurant, but at least the price is always the same on the menu, and if they have a problem, you hand them over to the manager. And I'll only be there for the summer, maybe sooner. I don't know. I'm just completely disgusted, and I'm not even back at work yet.
Work, Montana- update
So, things are going to be changing fast pretty soon and a part of me is really excited, but another part of me is petrified. I'll let you in on what's happening.
I've decided to get done at the vet for a variety of reasons.
1. The politics there have become unbearable. I feel that the animals well-being is not first priority in the boarding department and I can't continue to work at a place where that is the case. There is also the situation with the managers sister who runs boarding (poorly) and the fact that everyone has to tiptoe around her and coddle her because no matter how often she screws up or how many time staff members go to the manager or even the owner to express concerns, nothing changes. I understand that she is perhaps a little mentally slow and extremely sensitive and defensive, but the allowances made for her are given to absolutely nobody else, and it's just wrong. Now since all constructive means of remedying the situation have failed, people have resorted to complaining amongst themselves and talking behind this girls back. The negative energy just keeps building and building. It's gotten to the point that it feels like a dark cloud hangs over the place. I'm not saying I have never joined in the gossip, I'm only human, after all, but I have strong moral issue with talking behind someones back, and it accomplishes nothing. I'm not one for spinning my wheels, and if nothing is going to change, I rather move on. It's just not healthy.
2. I can't abide another summer grooming in that little windowless room with no air conditioning. When it gets up into the 80's and 90's here, which is does, the room becomes unbearable with having to blow-dry dogs and such. The owner has made it clear that he does not intend to get air conditioning anytime soon, so I really don't have an alternative. Last summer I had to continually sponge my face and neck with a cold rag and keep ice packs in my pockets to keep from passing out. The owner is aware of this and has down absolutely nothing. I can't deal with another summer like that.
3. Physically, grooming is killing my body. I have twinges of tendinitis that come and go in my hands, my shoulders are screwed up, and I suspect I may have a pinched nerve someplace that effects my neck and lower back. This is too high a price to pay. I am only 28. I'm not going to ruin my body for a job. Period. Most groomers have to get done because of physical problems, and I guess I am no exception. It's a physically taxing job.
4. Our plan to move to Montana is back on the table and we are tentatively planning to leave in October. We need to make as much money as we can this summer, and unfortunately, this means that I will have to waitress. That's my only option right now, and at first I fought it tooth and nail because I vowed long ago I would never go back to waiting tables. But once I finally accepted that I would do it for the summer, I felt better about the idea. It will be good to get out of the toxic environment I am in, and into a new, fresh place. I'm sure it'll be a whole new set of issues and headaches- I'm not naive. But I'm ready for a change, and I'm ready to get the hell out of this state. Nothing has ever sounded so appealing as to go somewhere I have never been where I don't know a soul and start completely fresh. It's downright scary, too, of course, and I'm sure it'll be lonely at first, but there are more jobs there, housing is cheaper, and they don't tax the living daylights out of you. (Maine is the highest taxed state in the nation, if you didn't know.) There is also a great school there that offers Alex what he needs, and perhaps someday down the road, classes for me, too.
So, that's the plan. Right now I am trying to figure out when to give my notice. I am going to have to do it soon for my clients sake, but I'm not sure when I want to leave. Right now I am thinking June 1st. May is still slow for grooming and I'll be able to spend that month finding a waitressing spot. I already have my eye on a place because Alex knows the owners and it would be an easier transition. But we'll see. Just keep your fingers crossed that things work out this time for Montana, because I'm so ready, and I've found myself setting my hopes on it, which I have tried hard to keep myself from doing. But I am still trying to keep my head, and to remind myself that plans fail, things change, and to roll with the punches.
Other than that, I had a good vacation in Florida and am glad to be home. I'm trying to psyche myself up to go to yoga tonight. I haven't been in awhile and I really need to get back to it. My cousin Nicole is away for a couple of months in Florida, and we used to go together, so I have to actually be responsible and get myself there without having someone depend on me like before. I need to have some willpower!!!!!! I know I have it, as I have not had a drop of alcohol in almost 8 months, and am doing well with transitioning to vegetarianism. But I am such a sloth sometimes.
Anyway, I guess that's all. I'm off to make a cup of tea and read. :)
I've decided to get done at the vet for a variety of reasons.
1. The politics there have become unbearable. I feel that the animals well-being is not first priority in the boarding department and I can't continue to work at a place where that is the case. There is also the situation with the managers sister who runs boarding (poorly) and the fact that everyone has to tiptoe around her and coddle her because no matter how often she screws up or how many time staff members go to the manager or even the owner to express concerns, nothing changes. I understand that she is perhaps a little mentally slow and extremely sensitive and defensive, but the allowances made for her are given to absolutely nobody else, and it's just wrong. Now since all constructive means of remedying the situation have failed, people have resorted to complaining amongst themselves and talking behind this girls back. The negative energy just keeps building and building. It's gotten to the point that it feels like a dark cloud hangs over the place. I'm not saying I have never joined in the gossip, I'm only human, after all, but I have strong moral issue with talking behind someones back, and it accomplishes nothing. I'm not one for spinning my wheels, and if nothing is going to change, I rather move on. It's just not healthy.
2. I can't abide another summer grooming in that little windowless room with no air conditioning. When it gets up into the 80's and 90's here, which is does, the room becomes unbearable with having to blow-dry dogs and such. The owner has made it clear that he does not intend to get air conditioning anytime soon, so I really don't have an alternative. Last summer I had to continually sponge my face and neck with a cold rag and keep ice packs in my pockets to keep from passing out. The owner is aware of this and has down absolutely nothing. I can't deal with another summer like that.
3. Physically, grooming is killing my body. I have twinges of tendinitis that come and go in my hands, my shoulders are screwed up, and I suspect I may have a pinched nerve someplace that effects my neck and lower back. This is too high a price to pay. I am only 28. I'm not going to ruin my body for a job. Period. Most groomers have to get done because of physical problems, and I guess I am no exception. It's a physically taxing job.
4. Our plan to move to Montana is back on the table and we are tentatively planning to leave in October. We need to make as much money as we can this summer, and unfortunately, this means that I will have to waitress. That's my only option right now, and at first I fought it tooth and nail because I vowed long ago I would never go back to waiting tables. But once I finally accepted that I would do it for the summer, I felt better about the idea. It will be good to get out of the toxic environment I am in, and into a new, fresh place. I'm sure it'll be a whole new set of issues and headaches- I'm not naive. But I'm ready for a change, and I'm ready to get the hell out of this state. Nothing has ever sounded so appealing as to go somewhere I have never been where I don't know a soul and start completely fresh. It's downright scary, too, of course, and I'm sure it'll be lonely at first, but there are more jobs there, housing is cheaper, and they don't tax the living daylights out of you. (Maine is the highest taxed state in the nation, if you didn't know.) There is also a great school there that offers Alex what he needs, and perhaps someday down the road, classes for me, too.
So, that's the plan. Right now I am trying to figure out when to give my notice. I am going to have to do it soon for my clients sake, but I'm not sure when I want to leave. Right now I am thinking June 1st. May is still slow for grooming and I'll be able to spend that month finding a waitressing spot. I already have my eye on a place because Alex knows the owners and it would be an easier transition. But we'll see. Just keep your fingers crossed that things work out this time for Montana, because I'm so ready, and I've found myself setting my hopes on it, which I have tried hard to keep myself from doing. But I am still trying to keep my head, and to remind myself that plans fail, things change, and to roll with the punches.
Other than that, I had a good vacation in Florida and am glad to be home. I'm trying to psyche myself up to go to yoga tonight. I haven't been in awhile and I really need to get back to it. My cousin Nicole is away for a couple of months in Florida, and we used to go together, so I have to actually be responsible and get myself there without having someone depend on me like before. I need to have some willpower!!!!!! I know I have it, as I have not had a drop of alcohol in almost 8 months, and am doing well with transitioning to vegetarianism. But I am such a sloth sometimes.
Anyway, I guess that's all. I'm off to make a cup of tea and read. :)
Monday, March 05, 2007
pre-travel ramblings
So, apparently 1.0 GB doesn't go very far. Gahhh! Having a hell of a time trying to decide what to put on the player.
Starting to have some twinges of anxiety. I hate how I always get like that before I go away. It's just a bit heavy sometimes hanging out with your family. I'm not used to the religious stuff anymore, so that can be weird. I told my mom that I was working toward becoming vegetarian and she wanted to know why, but of course I couldn't tell her the real reason. At least all of the truth. Like I'm trying to practice Buddhist principles of diet. The whole "don't take the life of anything living" thing. I'm still eating fish and poultry, though. Like most things in my life, I'm doing this in steps.
Anway, yeah, plus I hate being trapped on a plane with all these strangers in close proximity. And the INTRUSIVE security at the Bangor airport. The Orlando airport is so much better because it's bigger and the technology is better, and there is hardly any manual searching. God I hate it so much. I actually have to evaluate my choice of clothing and what shoes I'm wearing to make sure I don't get searched. But they always seem to single me out. I don't know if the huge amazon women security guards get a kick out of bullying smaller people, but it's how it makes me feel. Not a great feeling to start off w/ as you're getting ready to visit your family.
*sigh* I'm excited. I am. I don't know why I do this to myself.
Starting to have some twinges of anxiety. I hate how I always get like that before I go away. It's just a bit heavy sometimes hanging out with your family. I'm not used to the religious stuff anymore, so that can be weird. I told my mom that I was working toward becoming vegetarian and she wanted to know why, but of course I couldn't tell her the real reason. At least all of the truth. Like I'm trying to practice Buddhist principles of diet. The whole "don't take the life of anything living" thing. I'm still eating fish and poultry, though. Like most things in my life, I'm doing this in steps.
Anway, yeah, plus I hate being trapped on a plane with all these strangers in close proximity. And the INTRUSIVE security at the Bangor airport. The Orlando airport is so much better because it's bigger and the technology is better, and there is hardly any manual searching. God I hate it so much. I actually have to evaluate my choice of clothing and what shoes I'm wearing to make sure I don't get searched. But they always seem to single me out. I don't know if the huge amazon women security guards get a kick out of bullying smaller people, but it's how it makes me feel. Not a great feeling to start off w/ as you're getting ready to visit your family.
*sigh* I'm excited. I am. I don't know why I do this to myself.
Thursday, March 01, 2007
I have a MP3 player- AT LAST!
O.K, so it's probably only a big deal to me because everyone has them now, and having a diskman is practically unheard of. But I could never afford one until now. I used my birthday money to get it and I am so excited to have it for my trip to Florida. I leave next Thursday and will be there for 2 weeks! Yayness! Anyway, I just had to post a picture of it. Just cuz it's so pretty!
Monday, February 26, 2007
"Love isn't here, love isn't here, but it's somewhere" (right?)
Thank you to everyone who is adapting to the invite only thing. I appreciate your understanding.
I've had a hard couple of days. I woke up this morning feeling like someone tried to scrape out all my insides with a blunt instrument. Gross, huh? A cup of tea helps, and I'm having lunch today with my cousin and then there's yoga tonight.
It has just really started to hit me that I am close to very few people. I've ended several relationships because I felt that the situation was unhealthy for me. My ex-buisness partner Ami is one (it was a work relationship, but it was also a friendship. She was my mentor, and we spent time together outisde of work. She came to my house and helped me fix up my yard, etc.), then there was Sihaya (most of you were privy to that situation), and now recently I have had to give up another relationship- an old, deep relationship, almost like having to sacrifice one of my own limbs. Melodramatic, you say? Maybe. But that's how it feels. I feel like I'm in mourning, and I haven't even finished mourning the other two relationships. I may have valid reasons for walking away from these people, but I do recognize that I am the common denominator here. At the very least, I obviously have been in some sort of pattern where these are the types of relationships I attract. When I look at the new friendships I have formed in the last couple years, I do think that has improved. But I still feel like I'm to blame somehow for the relationships that I've had to end.
Friendship is tricker than romance. If you're dating someone and it doesn't work out, no one faults you for walking away. But with a friendship it is expected that you stick by the person through thick and thin, no matter how destructive they are to you or themselves. It's expected that you grow together, let the other person work out their stuff, swallow your concerns for their welfare, etc. etc. It's said that if someone is a real friend, you should be able to tell them the truth. I have found this to be false. Because in the most serious cases where one truly needs to tell a friend the truth for the sake of the other person's welfare, that is the time the friend is least open to hearing the truth. So then what?
I have had some cruel words said to me by the three people above. Some of it could be described as verbal abuse. I don't want go into defensive mode, pull down all my shades and lock myself away from the world-though it is SO tempting. I don't want to throw in the towel on friendship. I want to think that now that I am healthier I will now attract healthy friendships into my life. But I don't know if I buy that philosophy or not. (what else is new?)
*sigh*
What do I want out of relati0nships? I want to be able to communicate without feeling afraid, without worrying that the other person will blow up and say words that draw blood. I realize that I have been feeling this way since I was young, worrying about my dad's temper and setting him off.
I don't mean to sound all self-pitying. I'm just having a bad couple of days. I keep repeating to myself that I haven't had a drink in 6 months and I don't want to throw it all away now.
I've had a hard couple of days. I woke up this morning feeling like someone tried to scrape out all my insides with a blunt instrument. Gross, huh? A cup of tea helps, and I'm having lunch today with my cousin and then there's yoga tonight.
It has just really started to hit me that I am close to very few people. I've ended several relationships because I felt that the situation was unhealthy for me. My ex-buisness partner Ami is one (it was a work relationship, but it was also a friendship. She was my mentor, and we spent time together outisde of work. She came to my house and helped me fix up my yard, etc.), then there was Sihaya (most of you were privy to that situation), and now recently I have had to give up another relationship- an old, deep relationship, almost like having to sacrifice one of my own limbs. Melodramatic, you say? Maybe. But that's how it feels. I feel like I'm in mourning, and I haven't even finished mourning the other two relationships. I may have valid reasons for walking away from these people, but I do recognize that I am the common denominator here. At the very least, I obviously have been in some sort of pattern where these are the types of relationships I attract. When I look at the new friendships I have formed in the last couple years, I do think that has improved. But I still feel like I'm to blame somehow for the relationships that I've had to end.
Friendship is tricker than romance. If you're dating someone and it doesn't work out, no one faults you for walking away. But with a friendship it is expected that you stick by the person through thick and thin, no matter how destructive they are to you or themselves. It's expected that you grow together, let the other person work out their stuff, swallow your concerns for their welfare, etc. etc. It's said that if someone is a real friend, you should be able to tell them the truth. I have found this to be false. Because in the most serious cases where one truly needs to tell a friend the truth for the sake of the other person's welfare, that is the time the friend is least open to hearing the truth. So then what?
I have had some cruel words said to me by the three people above. Some of it could be described as verbal abuse. I don't want go into defensive mode, pull down all my shades and lock myself away from the world-though it is SO tempting. I don't want to throw in the towel on friendship. I want to think that now that I am healthier I will now attract healthy friendships into my life. But I don't know if I buy that philosophy or not. (what else is new?)
*sigh*
What do I want out of relati0nships? I want to be able to communicate without feeling afraid, without worrying that the other person will blow up and say words that draw blood. I realize that I have been feeling this way since I was young, worrying about my dad's temper and setting him off.
I don't mean to sound all self-pitying. I'm just having a bad couple of days. I keep repeating to myself that I haven't had a drink in 6 months and I don't want to throw it all away now.
Saturday, February 24, 2007
Saturday, February 10, 2007
Spiritual Musings
I'm studying Buddhism again. I stopped at one time when I felt too guilty about it because of how I was raised. But it always really resonated in me ever since I was a child and lived in Japan and was first exposed to it. But I didn't think I could be a Buddhist and a Christian at the same time. This really troubled and confused me for a long time. There are places that hint in the Bible that it isn't possible. But, actually, Buddhism isn't really a religion, in the sense that Christianity is. There are no deities worshipped in Buddhism. It is more of a philosophy than a religion. Some people think that the Buddha is worshipped, and that the statues and artwork of him are idols. But really, the Buddha was just a man who shared his experiance and wisdom with us like a prophet, but not of any certain deity. And people have the replicas to remember and acknowledge his teachings, not to worship. So, therefore, I do believe that you can be both Christian and Buddhist.
I really think with the complexity of earth and all the beings on it that are made up so intricately, it's ridiculous to think that religion and spirituality would be such a black and white thing. Why would there be all this wisdom and all these experiances/perspectives of others at our disposal if we are not to make use of it all? Why would there be such universal truths, if they were all just supposed to be ignored and seen as evil for absolutely no reason other than fear? I was raised not to look outside of the 4 walls of 1 religion. But I think God is a whole lot more open-minded than that. And he wants us to be too. I don't believe for a minute that he doesn't want us to explore teachings that are meant to bring ourselves and others peace. I am done thinking of him as this judgmental, brow-beating patriarch on a throne somewhere moving us around like chess pieces on a board. So many things didn't ring true to me as a child, and they sure as hell don't ring true now.
Like sin. The whole concept of sin. If Christ really died to wash all our sins away, why do we punish and abuse ourselves, and judge and condemn others? Why do we spend our time doing this when we have an unknown amount of time to make as much out of life as we can? Well, I'm done. I'm done blaming myself, I'm done blaming others, and I'm done backtracking over things again and again, hoping to find a bit of sense in it. Some things will never make sense to me, and it's not my job to figure out why things happened the way they did, and why people acted the way they acted. I can only focus on today, on my next step, and the next word out of my mouth. I can't stay focused on the present if I am still in the past. So, I let it go. I will not feel guilty another day for who I am.
Sunday, February 04, 2007
I want this in my blog. So there.
Well, it's been a crazy week. Lets see, what's happened? We got a new computer system at work, I had to take my grandmother to the emergency room (it's nothing serious, but the situation is complicated) and Alex got a terrible bout of the stomach flu, and I had to take care of him because he was so sick he was delerious. So yeah. I decided to cheer myself up by making this thread on a forum I belong to. I decided to post it here, too, since some people who view my blog aren't members there.
Since so many of us suffer from anxiety and stress, I thought this might be a good place for us to share ideas on how we manage it. It might become a helpful/comforting place for us to refer to if we are going through a rough patch. At least I hope it will. I just know that I personally have been exploring some alternative healing remedies, and I've been wanting to share. So here it goes!
1. I think the most helpful thing I have discovered is aromatherapy. I was hooked on using a tealight burner to diffuse the oils, but have recently discovered that steam inhalation gives even more relief. Plus, it has the additional benefit of soothing my sinuses, which also give me trouble.Anyway, so here are a few links about that. They start out by concentrating on the steam inhalation, then I just added some general aromatherapy links. Those are especially helpful if you are unfamiliar with essential oils.
2. Secondly, I would strongly advocate yoga. It has helped me SO much. If you can't find or afford a class in your area, there are lots of videos available, both online, at book stores and in fitness sections of department stores. I like the Gaiam brand. I just borrowed a beginner video from my yoga center because the one I bought was too hard for me! So, it's important to get a beginner video if you're just starting out. Otherwise you'll hurt yourself! A link-http://www.gaiam.com/retail/3/YogaforBeginners
3. Herbal tea! I can't say it enough. I don't know what I'd do without my teas. I love Traditional Medicinals, esp their Nighty Night, Easy Now & Echinacea Plus teas. Here's a link-
Sometimes when I am particularly stressed, I will add some Kava Kava tincture (you can find it at health food stores or online), but I do it very rarely now because there has been evidence that it can cause liver damage. That's why I reserve it only for occasional use. Do your own research and homework on this one. Just because something is natural doesn't mean it's safe for you. It's also important to read about any drug interactions before trying any herbal product.
4. Bach Flower Essences/Remedies. I've been experimenting with these a little. I don't know yet whether I would recommend them. I'm still in the beginning stages of studying this. But it's certainly something fascinating and potentially helpful that is worth looking into. Here's a link for info on that.
Thursday, February 01, 2007
I could get excited, but...
Got this e-mail today:
We are forwarding your inquiry concerning photos for publication to the appropriate department for handling.
If you should need further assistance, please be sure to include all previous e-mail correspondence.
Thank you for subscribing to Bird Talk Magazine.
I've never done this before so I have no idea what this means. They didn't say whether to expect another e-mail, so I'm not counting on it. I want to hope, but I did a lot of hoping in 2006 and I'm a little gun shy.
But it would be good to get a second e-mail. I would rather get a letter of rejection than hear nothing at all.
God, I'm such an optimist. LOL
Edit- I guess I should look into copywriting these images. I'm doing some reading on it now. I'm such a blockhead for not looking into this before. Oh well.
Monday, January 29, 2007
Slightly productive for a change
Wow, so I actually did something productive today. I e-mailed BirdTalk magazine and asked them if they were in need of any photos. I have some (in my opinion) beautiful cockateil photographs, and I just thought.......well, maybe they might want to use them.
I don't know. At least I'm making an attempt. It says on the inside of the magazine cover that photographs and manuscripts are welcomed on an exclusive basis. I don't know if that means that they have a regular photographer and don't accept other photos very often or what.
I'm trying not to think about it too much. I'm just trying to give myself props for actually attempting to do something meaningful with my skills. I'm so tired of just working because I need a paycheck, even if the passion isn't in it. I really am. If they wanted to use my photos, I wouldn't care if they paid me or not. It would just be the most amazing thing ever. Of course, being paid for it someday wouldn't be a bad thing at all.
But I'm getting ahead of myself.
I've been tapering off my medication and I only have a couple more weeks to go. It's been pretty bumpy at times. But that's the nature of the beast, I guess. You feel like jumping off a cliff when you first start meds, and like you're on a mood rollarcoaster going off them. Why am I so used to this that it just seems normal to me?
I have been slacking on the vitamins and fish oil supplements, so I really have to do better, especially for when I am off the meds. Fish oil REALLY helps. I recommend it to anyone. You can get supplements that have been screened for mercury and PCP's in a health food store or organic section of a grocery store. I don't eat fish very often because for that reason, so it's important to take the fish oil.
I'm starting the next level of yoga tonight. It's Beginner/Gentle instead of Very Gentle. It's a different teacher, and I had her a couple of times in the beginning before she went off on a trip to India, so I know she's a more challenging teacher. But I guess I'm ready. I'll let you know how it goes.
That's about it, I guess. Work and future plans have been stressing me out, but I am trying so hard to keep my head above water. I want to get off these meds. The side effects have just gotten to be such a pain in the ass.
We'll see.
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