Sobriety struggles

So.....I had abstained from alcohol for almost a year and a half, when recently, during my visit to FL, I relapsed for a day. I have been popping klonopin like candy since then. (I get occasional scrips for them. My doc is sub-ing them for the valium since valium produces euphoria.). At this point, I am not sure I am willing to give up benzo's. But I feel I will never be completely sober until I do. Believe me, I've tried all the healthy stuff- yoga, essential oils, tea, bath, books, Prayer, walking.... It was a bit crazy when I relapsed because I had a partial blackout but no puking or anything else too out of control occurred, thankfully. It felt SO comforting- my limbs completely weightless, floating on the surface of a sea. The nerve endings quiet finally. The world was a blur all around me and I felt protected by the haze and the numbness. Always, though, it only calms the surface of the sea. Down beneath it's still black and twisted with anxiety, swirling with thoughts, fears, emotions, ruminations- tangled seaweed. My soul all murky with the chaos of being human.

I don't know where the path to sobriety is going. I feel like I'm sitting in a bramble patch covered with juice, thorns and scratches, and all I want to do is lick my wounds. All I want is a respite from being so over-sensitive. If it's cowardly to say I just want some relief from this terrible burning skin, this brain that runs me until I'm on my bloody knees, pleading "please, please, please", then I guess I am a coward.

I'm pretty sure my doc won't refill the klonopin via phone, which involves a dr appt and $. And I'll also have to be a bit tricky with my wording to get the refill in the first place. I don't want to drink again. But it would be so EASY to do it now since I already threw away almost 2 years of work. I'm so confused. I hate this.