Can I go to bed now?

A strange day today. My cousin, Nicole, called and said she wouldn't be at yoga class tonight because she was sick. I was fully planning to go, after I had lunch with my grandmother and everything. But I went to bed emotionally overwhelmed last night and woke up that way this morning. I just refuse to operate longer than I have to as a teary, confused mess. It's really hard for me to be in public when I'm that way. I feel like my skin is going to peel off any second. So, I bailed out of yoga and came home and made myself tea instead.

I've done some thinking, and I guess I've come to some sort of conclusion. I've been having a lot of sadness and fear since I heard about the death of my second cousin. Like I said, it's made me think a lot about death, but it's also made me think about what it would be like to lose someone close to me, as, gratefully, I have never experienced this. Occasionally I get really worried about Alex's smoking, and I've been absolutely sick with fear about it lately. I think part of it also is that several friends lately are experiencing cancer in a loved one. It TERRIFIES me to to think of having to watch someone I love die. It would be even worse if I have kids. I'm not sure I am strong enough to be a single parent. But the thing is, I knew he smoked when I married him. I smoked socially, too. He has tried to quit, and I have communicated all of my thoughts and fears to him multiple times. I really can't do anything else, and I refuse to be naggy and bitchy about it. It makes me feel powerless about my future, though.

I guess what I have come to is this- I just can't live my life based on "what if?". I can't take it personally that he hasn't quit yet. I know from experience that one has to be completely ready to quit an addiction, and that it sometimes takes multiple times to finally do it. I know there is a chance he could get sick, even if he quits, but I don't know exactly what lasting damage I have done to my body with some of the choices I've made either. I guess those are the types of things people think of when they say words like "unconditional love" and "for better or for worse". I don't ever want to cause shame or guilt in anyone I love. I just can't control the future or protect myself from everything. I really need to stop trying to prepare myself for every possible scenario. I do this the most when I think about having kids, the possibility of which I have become more open to recently. The courage that it takes to have children still astounds me because children are like a part of yourself that you can't always keep close and protected and watched. This terrifies me. But the thought of undertaking parenthood alone REALLY terrifies me.

Anyway, God, I can't believe I invited people in here to read this stuff . I really just had to get that out, though.

To end on a lighter note- I had a wonderful lunch with my grandmother. I brought her a bird feeder as a belated birthday gift and put it up at her window so she could see it from her chair. She seemed really happy when I left. :)