Well, I've had this week off from work and it's been pretty nice. Unfortunately the last few days I've felt some darkness creep in. Wednesday night I found out another second cousin of mine had committed suicide. Some of you may remember me mentioning the other one who committed suicide a year and a half ago, or so. Now it's happened again. It's in the same side of the family. I feel so sad for my grandmother who is dealing with the fact that two of her brothers sons have killed themselves. I hear she's been pretty down lately, so I'm planning to have lunch with her on Monday.
Anyway....it's just so disturbing. The circumstances were quite different but it still makes me think there's some sort of pattern here. It makes me wonder. It also makes me think about death. As low as I have gotten, death has always scared me more than life. I just don't know what comes after. I want to think it'll be good, but I honestly have my doubts. I'm much more afraid of the unknown than anything here. Then I start to just think about spirituality in general. I seriously pray every day that I will have some sort of awakening about it. I would like to find peace in the confusion and the fact that I just don't know what I believe, but it's hard with the way I've been brought up. It's scares me to admit that deep down I doubt the religion I was raised in. I have fought the doubts just because it's easier to believe. But I do doubt. I can't pretend otherwise.
I don't know where I am going with this. When I think like this it just makes me feel so alone. I know I'm not alone in these type of feelings, but nothing anyone says can give relief from them.When this sort of stuff is going on inside of me, I seem even more unable to be around people. I've had two people lately indicate that I have been distant. I feel guilty about this, and like I'm some sort of narcissist, but sometimes I don't even realize I've been out of touch with people. I'm just so in my head all the time, and I feel terrible that I can't be more intimate. I want to be. Or at least I know it's what I need.
I have no idea what the point of this blog entry was. Just a outpouring of conciousness, I guess.
2 comments:
Hello, Rina-love.
Personally, I enjoy any post that contains the line 'I don't know where I'm going with this'... especially something of yours. Just letting you know you're not alone. Thanks for sharing.
Prayers and thoughts for your family, especially your grandmother.
Goodnight,
Mary
Thanks for the support. I'm glad I finally got around to starting this thing. I had a tagboard, too, but something happened to it so I took it down. I'm pretty bummed that I never got a chance to use it. What's the deal with those things anyway?
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