Thank you to everyone who is adapting to the invite only thing. I appreciate your understanding.
I've had a hard couple of days. I woke up this morning feeling like someone tried to scrape out all my insides with a blunt instrument. Gross, huh? A cup of tea helps, and I'm having lunch today with my cousin and then there's yoga tonight.
It has just really started to hit me that I am close to very few people. I've ended several relationships because I felt that the situation was unhealthy for me. My ex-buisness partner Ami is one (it was a work relationship, but it was also a friendship. She was my mentor, and we spent time together outisde of work. She came to my house and helped me fix up my yard, etc.), then there was Sihaya (most of you were privy to that situation), and now recently I have had to give up another relationship- an old, deep relationship, almost like having to sacrifice one of my own limbs. Melodramatic, you say? Maybe. But that's how it feels. I feel like I'm in mourning, and I haven't even finished mourning the other two relationships. I may have valid reasons for walking away from these people, but I do recognize that I am the common denominator here. At the very least, I obviously have been in some sort of pattern where these are the types of relationships I attract. When I look at the new friendships I have formed in the last couple years, I do think that has improved. But I still feel like I'm to blame somehow for the relationships that I've had to end.
Friendship is tricker than romance. If you're dating someone and it doesn't work out, no one faults you for walking away. But with a friendship it is expected that you stick by the person through thick and thin, no matter how destructive they are to you or themselves. It's expected that you grow together, let the other person work out their stuff, swallow your concerns for their welfare, etc. etc. It's said that if someone is a real friend, you should be able to tell them the truth. I have found this to be false. Because in the most serious cases where one truly needs to tell a friend the truth for the sake of the other person's welfare, that is the time the friend is least open to hearing the truth. So then what?
I have had some cruel words said to me by the three people above. Some of it could be described as verbal abuse. I don't want go into defensive mode, pull down all my shades and lock myself away from the world-though it is SO tempting. I don't want to throw in the towel on friendship. I want to think that now that I am healthier I will now attract healthy friendships into my life. But I don't know if I buy that philosophy or not. (what else is new?)
*sigh*
What do I want out of relati0nships? I want to be able to communicate without feeling afraid, without worrying that the other person will blow up and say words that draw blood. I realize that I have been feeling this way since I was young, worrying about my dad's temper and setting him off.
I don't mean to sound all self-pitying. I'm just having a bad couple of days. I keep repeating to myself that I haven't had a drink in 6 months and I don't want to throw it all away now.
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2 comments:
I think that walking out of friendships is healthy when you experience feelings of being taken advantage of or abuse in any form. I think a lot more people should do it, but instead so many of us just stick with the friendship, just like you said. "Through thick and thin". It's like reading a really bad book: you feel guilty for not finishing it until one day you realize that you don't have all the time in the world to spend on those bad books, even if those books would have an affect in your life. I think the path you are on is healthier than staying in relationships just for the sake of them.
I don't know how much you should lay blame on this on yourself. Sure, you have "chosen" those friends, but you have chosen them on the basis of how they were initially. And people change. I don't think there is anything in you that would trigger people to behave badly towards you. It's their personality, and they would've probably done it to everyone. You weren't a match, and you were the smart one to walk away when it got unhealthy.
Friends should be able to give criticism but also take it, with honest intentions in their hearts. Obviously in your cases your friends have only acted one-sidedly on that deal.
<3
Thanks, Jenni. Your words of support helped a lot. I'm feeling a little better now. It's nice to talk about friendship with someone because it's really a complicated matter, and these things aren't often discussed openly.
xo
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