And out of nowhere, a nasty bout of depression strikes. I've felt so crappy the last couple of days. I just don't know what the hell I'm doing. Sure, we have plans, but like, WTF am I doing? As in ME. I am getting done with grooming, which I know is the best choice for me physically, but I have no idea what I'll be doing when we move to Montana. Getting a job isn't the problem. But I'm about to end what I thought was my career. Do I try to find a new one? Do I have any skills that could even make $? I'm a medicore artist and photographer. Not too marketable. It wouldn't be such a big deal if I planned to have children someday. I could just say to myself: I'll work a kennel job or something until Alex gets through school and we're in a finanical position for me to be a stay at home mom. Which is what I would want to be if I had kids. For awhile I was really leaning toward that. It made me feel like I had some noble plan for myself, some reason for being here. But now I'm not so sure. I'm starting to go back to feeling that the thought of kids makes me sick. So what am I doing? Why am I here?
I know about taking it one day at a time, moment by moment, blah, blah, blah. I should find joy in everything I do, in any job I take, in every connection I make. I should find joy just in the fact that I am alive and healthy. But I had really hoped my life had a purpose. Why am I here if I have no career and choose not be a parent? Just to be a wife and pay some of the bills? To think deep thoughts but never have the balls to go outside? Is that why I'm here? For the most part I do not enjoy being around people, don't have many friends or close bonds, so it's not like I'm even enriching anyone else's life. I'm just taking up space.
Seriously. I just don't know sometimes.
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