Happy New Year!

Well, it's 8:30 pm on New Year's Eve and I am sober for the first New Year's Eve in.......

I have no clue how long.

I haven't had a drink in over 5 months now. Eh...it's O.K. Clarity is good, lack of hang-over's is REALLY good, other than that...it's a bore at times and hard work. But I guess I'll keep at it.

The thing about clarity, though, is you feel like you have to do something about it. I don't know how to do half the things I want to do, and I don't know how to start. When I feel overwhelmed, my first thought is to just shut off my brain. But that doesn't fly anymore. I can't blot out whole weeks with music and framented thoughts and feelings that I forget in the morning. I can't cover myself in a cocoon when I get scared. I can't brighten the world up artificially when it gets grey and flat and just blah. I can't shut out the questions. I can't drown out the fears.

I sit on the couch with my cup of tea in the evenings and whatever deluge of thoughts and feelings I've unearthed during the day. Music still helps, but I can't lose myself in it quite as completely as before.

Next month I taper off my medication. Then it really will be all me. I just hope I don't fold under pressure, fear, sadness, and especially anger. It takes so long to rebuild things again, and only a split second to send it all crashing down.

I hope I have the strength and the courage to be all I can be in the next year. By myself. Without the aid of anything chemical.